16 Fun S** Facts You Don’t Need to Know…Unless You Like Fun S** Facts
#1: Your n***** color is your perfect lipstick shade
Carlyn Beccia
Carlyn Beccia
Dec 14, 2020 · 10 min read
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Photo by Oleg Magni from Pexels
As a nonfiction author, I have notebooks and notebooks filled with bizarre factoids that I have collected over the years. (You would be surprised at what science will throw research dollars at.)
The following weird s** facts won’t make you better in bed or make you seem more enlightened around friends and family. Nope. I make no such promises. But if you ever want to end a boring conversation, just pepper in a few of these fun facts and then make a graceful but mysterious exit…
#1. Your n***** color is your perfect lipstick shade.
Every woman knows that it is tough to pick the perfect n*** lipstick shade. Just one shade off can make the difference between looking au natural and like a twelve-year-old who raided her mother’s makeup drawer.
Fear not. According to the experts on The Doctors, our body holds the secret — the color of your areolas is your perfect lipstick shade. Now I am not suggesting you lift your shirt at the Sephora counter, but…it would make makeup tutorials more interesting.
#2. M*********** gives men an evolutionary advantage.
Sperm is a lot like cheese. Leave it sitting around, and it gets all funky. And by funky, I mean missing heads, shriveled heads, tapered heads, and the most terrifying of all…two-headed sperm.
But you don’t need to fear mutant sperm because men’s bodies have a way of flushing out the rejects — m***********.
In several research studies, m*********** created a fresh and more viable batch every time defective sperm were unloaded. It also helped stabilize sperm count. Just don’t make it too fresh. Daily m*********** depletes sperm count.
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He’s cute but horrible in bed | Photo by Sid Balachandran on Unsplash
#3 P*** and V***** don’t work on pandas.
Pandas are freakin’ adorable, but they make horrible lovers. The problem is partly libido. Most male pandas in captivity would rather sit around eating bamboo than make sweet bear love.
Other zoologists have theorized that pandas simply don’t know how to do the deed. Sometimes the male panda will crawl on top of the female and hump her head. It’s hilarious but not so funny if you are a zoologist trying to conserve the bears.
Just google “panda p***,” and you will be thankful you are neither a female panda nor a panda researcher. (Actually…don’t. It depressing.)
Panda p*** is really a thing. Researchers have tried surrounding pandas with videos of other pandas having s**. The hope was that seeing all their fellow bears getting it on would motivate them. It did not.
In 2002, researchers had another bright idea — why not give the panda V*****? Unfortunately, that didn’t work either. Maybe they should try some soft music and candlelight next?
#4. The first p**** pump was invented by a tire professional.
A p**** pump or vacuum erection pump consists of a vacuum tube that fits over the p**** with a ring that constricts the base of the p****. And then you pump, pump, pump up your pecker until you can pitch a tent with it.
The p**** pump actually does work. It uses suction to draw blood into the p**** and keep it erect. But it is usually only recommended for older folks with severe erectile dysfunction. (And no, it does not increase the size despite the Amazon reviews claiming otherwise.)
Otto Lederer of Austria patented the first p**** pump in 1917. But it was Geddings David Osbon who took that patent, perfected it, and brought it to the masses.
Like most great inventions, necessity led the way. Osbon stepped into his doctor’s office one day, complaining that he could no longer maintain an erection. The year was 1960, and there were not many options for men, so his doctor didn’t have a solution.
Osbon was not deterred. He owned an automobile and tire business, so he took what he knew about mechanics and applied it to his erection. The rest is history.
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Photo by William Warby on Unsplash
#5. The distance between a woman’s urethra and her c******* affects her ability to o*****.
The female o***** has always stumped s** researchers. Most women can not climax from penetration alone, and only 18.4% of women report they can o***** without direct clitoral stimulation.
But why some women respond to penetration alone can be found in a simple tool — a ruler.
Oddly, this research was conducted a century ago. In the 1920s, Napoleon’s great-grandniece, Princess Marie Bonaparte, became frustrated with her lack of o*****. So she did what any repressed scientist would do…she collected data. She found that if a woman’s glans c******* (the fleshy tip) was less than the distance of the tip of her thumb away from the urethra, she was more likely to o***** from i**********.
Known as the “rule of thumb,” this old research has validity. There’s evidence a woman is more likely to o***** solely from penetration if the distance between her glans c******* and the urethral opening is less than 2.5 cm (1 inch).
But instead of getting your ruler out during s**, I suggest you ask her.
#6. Most erections lean to the left.
Nobody is symmetrical, but you might have noticed your erect p**** curves to one side — usually the left. This is often caused by plaque or scar tissue, from circumcision. It’s completely normal unless the curvature is so great that it causes erectile dysfunction and pain. Then you get Peyronie’s disease, and that is not fun.
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Positive John Thomas sign for a patient who sustained a pertrochanteric fracture on the left | CC BY-SA 3.0
An erection leaning to one side is often jokingly referred to by radiologists and surgeons as “Throckmorton’s sign” or John Thomas Sign. Surgeons would use the position of the p**** on the x-ray as a compass — whatever direction it pointed was the side the patient should be operated on. (This is apparently hilarious if you are replacing a hip.)
While there has been some debate on whether hip fractures can cause an erection to lean to one side, most studies have found Throckmorton’s sign does not indicate where the fracture lies. Sorry, Throckmorton.
And you might have noticed that one of your testes (usually the left) also hangs lower than the other. Also, totally normal.
#7. A man’s ejaculate kills a rival’s sperm.
Men will do all sorts of crazy things when they think their partner is cheating. (I am looking at you crazy ex who went through my phone multiple times!) But perhaps suspicious men should stay out of their lover’s phone and just let their sperm take out the competition. Or more precisely, their “fighter sperm.”
The last portion of a man’s ejaculate, called fighter sperm, contains a natural spermicide designed to kill the sperm of any rivals who comes after him. Most interestingly, these kamikaze sperm increase when a man thinks his woman is cheating on him. This theory, known as sperm competition, is still being debated in humans, but there is evidence of it in other species.
The problem with these sperm competition studies is how to replicate a situation where a guy thinks his partner is cheating. In one study, they told the men to just “imagine” their partner’s infidelity.
Sorry, science, people. That probably isn’t going to cut it. But you are welcome to use my ex-boyfriend as a test subject.
#8. A man produces more sperm with certain females.
Those wiggly little tadpoles are very discriminating. They need to be inspired. There is evidence that the quality and amount of sperm increases when certain females…um inspire him.
So if your man is impregnating you at every turn…that’s sweet. He clearly really likes you. Or at least, he wants to carry on his genetic line with you.
#9. More babies are born at 8:00 AM than at any other time.
8:03 AM on November 17th was one of the happiest days of my life. That’s the time my daughter was born. And she was not alone. A 2013 report by the National Center for Health Statistics found that 3.5 times more babies are born at 8:00 A.M.
Researchers are not exactly sure why more babies are born at this time, but most attribute it to more C-sections performed in the morning vs. night.
More interestingly, when they looked only at babies born at home, those children were more likely to make an appearance between 1 A.M. and 4:59 A.M. This is most likely evolutionary. Back when we were hunkered down in caves, you didn’t want to pop a baby out while the tribe was out hunting.
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This man has a larger than average p****. I am sure you needed to know that. | Photo by MR O.K on Unsplash
#10. A man’s ring finger indicates the size of his p****.
Let’s get this out of the way…women don’t care about p**** size. Seriously, we don’t. But apparently, researchers do.
In several studies (yes, more than one), researchers found the ratio of a man’s ring finger to his index finger indicates the size of his p****. Longer ring finger = bigger d***. The reason is simple — testosterone. The more testosterone exposed to in the womb, the longer his ring finger and the bigger his p**** grows.
So far, no research has been done on girls’ estrogen exposure in the womb and the size of their v*****. Thank god.
#11. If your sense of smell is strong, you will have better orgasms.
One of the reasons why I refuse video dates is because I need to smell a man to know if I like him. If you feel the same, then you are just exercising a neglected s** organ — your nose.
In a small study, researchers found women who had a stronger sense of smell had more frequent orgasms. In another study, researchers found those who had lost their sense of smell reported lower s** drives.
Again, these studies were small, but if you have the olfactory glands of a h**** bloodhound…you may have more fun in bed.
#12 Certain smells increase blood flow to the p****.
If you understand the seductive powers of smell, then you will choose your scented candles wisely. Researchers have found lavender and pumpkin pie smells increase blood flow to the p****.
While none of the odors reduced penile blood flow, certain smells like cranberry were not as s***. So if you want your man to ravish you, take him to the pumpkin patch and not a cranberry bog.
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That groovy polyester suit is killing his s** drive | Public Domain
#13. Wearing polyester lowers your s** drive.
Picture it. You show up for your Bumble date, and the guy is wearing polyester pants. Should your first thought be…
A. Am I in a 1970s time warp?
B. This can’t be good for his s** drive.
C. Both
I am going to take both B and C as an answer, kids.
In a study examining how certain textiles lower s** drive, researchers found polyester was the biggest offender. Another study found that wearing synthetic fibers also reduced sperm count. The reason is that synthetic fibers do not allow the boys to breathe.
Researchers are concerned because sperm counts in men have plummeted more than 50% in the last 40 years, and fast fashion made from nylon, rayon, and polyester might be partly to blame.
The good news is that wearing cotton did not alter sperm count or s** drive.
#14. You are attracted to those with an opposite immune system.
The adage of opposites attract rings true when it comes to genetics. Researchers have found people are more likely to be attracted to those who have opposite immunity genes. And how do we know who has the opposite immune system? Again…we smell it.
Researchers theorized that this attraction is evolutionary. Mating with a partner that has the opposite immune system produces children with a more robust immune system.
#15. You can get arrested for owning a v******* in Alabama.
Oh, Alabama. You gave us little gems like Lionel Richie, but you also gave us some really dumbass rules surrounding s**. And making it a crime to own a v******* is right up there.
Alabama is not the only place that you can’t hum your way to pleasure. Several countries will throw you in the slammer if you even pack a v******* in your suitcase.
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The man-killer v***** is not a myth. Photo by Jeffery Wong on Unsplash
#16. Some vaginas have teeth.
Women’s vaginas have been terrifying men for centuries. In several Eastern and Western cultures, the myth of the v***** dentata warned men not to stick their manhood where it did not belong. A v***** dentata is a v***** with sharp teeth. (V***** dentata is Latin for “toothed v*****.”)
But toothed vaginas are not just a myth. Some women are born with dermoid cysts — growths containing hair, fluid, teeth, or skin glands — inside their v*****. The cysts are usually not sharp, and they can easily be removed with surgery. Unless…you want to turn your g******* into one badass venus flytrap.
But I hope you never need to know that. Or any of this… Medium