My Husband Said: ‘So You Still Love Me after All’
What should I answer with? Or, should I, at all?
Eir Thunderbird
Eir Thunderbird
Jan 28·4 min read
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Photo by Oleg Ivanov on Unsplash

It wasn’t really a question, and this annoyed me. It was a statement he made in a text message after I left his bedroom to go to mine, to sleep. He mentioned several times during the last few days that he missed a touch. I could see it too by his childlike attempts to get in my proximity, either by rubbing my back, which he dreads normally doing, or by “randomly” bumping into me as we were going about with our days.

So I knew it was about time.

After I put our son to sleep, I went to his bedroom to have s**. We rarely do it these days, and he’s not initiating it either, perhaps to avoid rejection. He knows that if I’m not in the mood, it’s not going to happen, and he’s still immature to be willing to put in the effort to drive it.

So he waits.

He probably knows it by now that every once in a while (and the point I’m making here goes beyond the mere frequency of it), I come to decide that it’s time to get physical, and I take the lead. This means that what happens between the sheets is on my terms, and he only gets to comply. I know, I’m the worst — but I don’t really care.

Recently, though, I made my mind, on the spot, to give in and accept his preferences and requests. I particularly liked doing it because he didn’t expect me to do it, so he wasn’t overly excited or needy. Neediness definitely turns me off.

Not only that he was surprised at how the encounter unfolded, but he even forgot, under the spell of serotonin, that we have serious relationship issues. Which made me wonder.
Are men really this simple-minded?

If all it takes for a woman to get in a man’s graces is to provide for straightforward needs like s**, then why don’t women just do it? Will it make you less of a feminist if you tend for your partner’s needs (yes, provided that you’re in the mood, too)? My short answer now is: no, probably it won’t.

Then how come we’re not able to do it? Why is it that difficult to let the ego aside and soften up, for once?

Because the a****** does not deserve it, I remember that I soften up plenty of times in the past only to be endlessly disappointed about my naivety. Seeing that he’s capable of acting decently at times angers me even more. He’s choosing not to do it unless there’s something in it for him. So, his next day’s token of appreciation delivered as the image of the graceful husband will not gonna fly unless I get to see it consistently.

Good behavior should not be exhibited as a quid pro quo and definitely not paid in s**.

But then again, similarly, as I believe that good behavior should be a default, my husband gets to be conditional (even if he doesn’t do it voluntarily).
Are women really those who set the relationship dynamics?

He told me that I’m setting the dynamics of our relationship, and he only gets to react. The truth is, I hate the responsibility. I agree that he’s right, though; as a woman, I have the strings to make a man both love me and hate me.

The problem is I’m a mother now, so I don’t have time to invest in running the logistics of keeping a relationship alive by myself. This is where it would be lovely to have a partner that could take the lead for once.

I would like to be lured more often to his bedroom. I might say no sometimes, but still, I deserve to feel wanted and pursued sometimes. So yeah, this title doesn’t make me justice.
Is ‘fake it ’til you make it’ true?

Now I’m wondering how long could we fake it? I admit that it feels good to receive small gestures of appreciation in return for s**. The s** was good for me, too, so I don’t see it as a currency. But is this sustainable in a relationship? How many couples do survive by this approach? How many thrive?

Beyond the immediate effect of getting laid, I’m left with the aftertaste of deception. If I’m tearing down my walls now, I’ll be left naked and exposed. I did it plenty of times to know better by now.

In all truthfulness, I’m skeptical about faking it ’til you make it. It’s as hackneyed as it sounds. For now, though, I choose not to answer, and he’s a gentleman enough not to pressure me into it.

A thing is for sure, s** can do and undo alliances since forever. Would you be willing to put more into it to save your marriage? What would you lose if you do?
Medium
Me: Marriage = S** on tap, as a male. My wives had other priorities however and s** was the last thing they wanted after they had the marriage contract and owned me, sort of thing.
Now I never consider marriage and when a relationship goes stale, time to move on.