WYour simple panic&riddled mindcouldn’t empathise with or understand that my clinginess and little outburst at the fear of losing you might have to do with the fact it was one of the most traumatic years of my life with a second divorce that upended everything. But you treated me like a rabid dog who needed to be put down, and I still resent you for that lack of compassion and forgiveness. If I wanted to hurt you, I had many many chances when we were alone. I never wanted to hurt you. It’s so easy for you to advocate for mental health awareness on your little soapbox for brownie points from the disabled community , but no one wants to deal with us on our bad days, and it hurts enough to drive you insane. When everyone treats you like a monster for words you said but didn’t mean in an agitated emotional state, when the shake and cower in fear of you like a monster, it hurts. When people accuse you of being a predator because of your lack of social skills and low emotional IQ, it really f****** hurts. I never wanted to hurt anyone and I had no sinister plan to manipulate you. I really thought you were my soul mate and wanted to take care of you and grow old with you. I fell in love with you against my will. I would have gave the last shirt off my back to keep you warm and safe.
But Everyone sees me as a monster because of my disabilities, so I decided to become the evil monster they claimed I was. It’s so liberating to just not try to defy expectations, to live off selfish impulses and whims because no one thinks I’m capable of discipline. I just wanted love and affection, but I’ve been starved of it for so long it’s driven me mad. This world deserve the monster living inside me, because the world created it and has done nothing to stop it from growing malignant. We could have been so happy if we weren’t so f****** insane. I really hope we end up together some day by some trick of fate, but If you never speak to me again, if you never try to make amends, if you hide from me for the rest of your life, I hope your body falls apart like a shambling corpse while your mind is trapped and tortured and nobody is there to help you. Rot in assisted living when your current boyfri me experiencea caretaker burnout and abandons you just like every single man my mother has ever loved. You think you’ll end up in a better place than her? She’s a f****** saint and still got thrown out like trash multiple times, do you really think you can so better with the way you treat people who challenge your worldview? How many real ride or die friends did you lose because you decided that anyone who told you to leave that abusive t***** was disposable? Who does that? Who picks d*** over friends? She must’ve had some killer d*** game or you just have a debilitating femboy fetish or something.
