Dear Heather,

If you could please move the f*** on with your life, that would be great.

There’s really no excuse not to have your shipping address updated three years after breaking up. There’s no need to use that as an excuse to hand deliver a Christmas card.

Like holy f****** stalker. I get it you’re lonely and seeking attention. But please stop with the desperate attempts to get it from your ex, who is now my boyfriend.

We will be moving in together next year and if you still can’t seem to get a clue that you mean nothing to him, I will rudely remind you in a harsh note attached to the next package that arrives for you.

You are not a welcome presence in our lives, please just stop messaging him every few months. It’s really pathetic.

And just because he lists himself as non-monogamous on dating apps, doesn’t mean he wants to go anywhere near your smelly rotting s***** ever again. So f*** off already.

Sincerely,

The woman he actually loves and wants to spend his life with, aka NOT YOU HEATHER.