• 4 years ago
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My first relationship was with a guy I played volleyball with. He was the first person who made my heart beat out of my chest and also my first real heartbreak. Our first date, went to a movie where I tried to get him to hold my hand, but my hinting never lead to him picking it up. After the movie, we went to go play volleyball where a lot of our mutual friends were. I spent the whole time loudly talking about how I wanted him to hold my hand, but it ended with me grabbing his hand while we were sitting together. It was the simplest thing, but I felt loved and my heartbeat was the only thing i could hear. I knew I was in love with him.
a month later, i tore my acl and things got really bad. in retrospect, it wasn’t anything super serious, but i took it out on the people around me. i felt terrible for everything i did. my family and friends had to take care of me by carrying my bags and picking me up everyday. i had to give up going to volleyball, which was where most of my friends were at the time. most of all, i burdened him with carrying my bags, escorting me to class and i even got mad at him for going out with his friends and not texting me back. i felt terrible, but i didn’t know how to deal with him, much less myself. my self image and esteem just crumbled away everyday, making me dependent on him to determine my happiness. I became awkward around him and there came a point where we would walk to class silently because we couldn’t find anything to talk about. I blamed it all on being hurt and everything just got worse.
of course, there were some good days… because of my injury, I was able to access the elevator. When he would ride with me in the elevator, we had used the privacy to kiss a few times. However, he started to reject even that and i cried even more about it, thinking i wasn’t enough for him.
this next part is something i think back to and wonder if he did it out of pity. i gave him a h******* in a ymca bathroom, the first stall to the right near the swimming area. whenever i have a bad day, this memory pops up in my head. i still can’t tell if he liked it or if i made him do it so he wouldn’t feel bad for me…
months later, we eventually broke up. he told me that he’d always love me. he walked me to class and while saying goodbye to him, he kissed me on the lips. I still shamefully remember that moment, wondering if he remembers that like I do.
now, he has a girlfriend and she’s beautiful. i saw his post when he called her the love of his life and i’ve even heard that they’ve gone all the way. i’m so happy that he’s happy. deep down, that’s all i wanted for him. but, selfishly, i wanted him to make him happy. when i hear about how he’s happy without me, my heart aches so bad.
i still love you.

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