I’m a complete monster.
A callous angry b****.
A terrible person.
I always say things I don’t mean, and hurt people I want to protect.
I hate myself so f****** badly,
And no matter what I do,
I always come up short.
I’ve tried changing-
honestly, Ive tried.
I’ve done everything one can do..
But again and again no matter how many chances I get, no matter how many times I patch things up, no matter how deeply I regret,
It never goes back to the way it used to be.
So I just keep digging.
I admire the kind wonderful people I’ve met. Those whose mere presence is a comfort. Those who are cheery, optimistic even.
How do they even survive?
I really do envy them,
Such wonderful, thoughtful people. So graceful and diplomatic in the most stressful of times.
Like normal human beings…
I want so badly to be like everyone else..
But I see red.
So I keep digging,
All the while,
convincing myself-
begging, really..
“That’s not the real me,
surely I’m better than this,
Im just having a rough patch,
I’m not just a monster..”
But the terrifying truth is that underneath all that hate..
is just more hate.
More, more, more..
Aimless, boundless,
soul sucking Hatred-
I keep digging deeper,
And I never find anything other than filthy handfuls of rotten s***.
Finally today I saw my core-
This “real” self I keep hearing so much about..
Knee deep in a hole of my own garbage, I finally looked up for the first time in months to find my fiance screaming in my face-
Beet red, shaking, tears streaming down her face,
Convinced that genuinely hate her.
How could she think any different?
I told her as much myself.
Why?
She challenged me.
We had been arguing..
I felt so unheard.
I felt like she was trying to win at any cost. I felt like she didn’t care about my feelings.
She told me I was terrible.
Unreasonable. Angry.
I didn’t take this well.
“I HATE YOU!” I bellowed..
Cause f*** it, why not?
I’m always made out to be the unstable psycho-
And it gets hard to not feel like one when you’re breaking down,
Being told how bad you are.
She wouldn’t take the warnings.
She didn’t listen when I told her I was losing it.
“I HATE YOU” I blurted out before I could stop myself. I couldn’t take it anymore. I felt so attacked.
So cornered. So lost.
So alone.
Now I see the truth..
I USED to be good,
but people change.
I never wanted any of this-
I was an honor roll kid,
Compassionate, kind, naive.
Always so polite, ma’am’s and sirs-
Social, well mannered, intelligent, and everyone told me I had a very bright future ahead of me.
I was the kid that other parents trusted because they knew if I was asked a question I wouldn’t be able to lie. I was the teachers pet.
I was known by everyone as being the goody two shoes little girl.
I performed well, I played music,
I took care of my addict mom.
I thought if I could just keep loving her, she would be okay.
I used to be so scared when she would beat me with a 2×4,
I was so scared when kids would bash my head against the windows on the bus,
I was so scared when I lived on the street, hungry.
Now I’m so far away from all that pain.. but I’m already broken, and
entirely jaded. I had to grow up quickly to take care of my pill popping addict mom,
Y’know, when she wasn’t screaming, or beating me so bad my skin turned purple.
Now all I have left is this anger,
turning me rotten..
And I just wanna die,
Because the person that
I hate the most..
Is me.
