• 3 months ago
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I am bipolar, have ptsd, bpd and IED…. I started this friendship/ relationship over 4 years ago. I was an overweight depressed wreck and while I am greatful that I have gotten healthier physically… mentally my problems have gotten worse and I honestly do not know if it is because of my issues or the person. But I think it is more so the person. They are more unstable than I am. The are probably the worst and most hateful hurtful person that I have ever met. In the beginning I thought he was different. But he made sure to tell me how disgusting I looked for being fat. But it was the kind of comments that I didn’t notice at first. There have been some good moments. Enough to make me stay around and hope to work it out. After all it was my first relationship and according to him I was a innocent airheaded socially awkward out of place girl who wanted a friend. Hindsight has shown me that all of the bad things he does had signs previously. But now its gotten to the point that I can not take the feeling anymore. I can’t breathe. I am so much more unhappy now than before. He demands my time and gives nothing positive in return. I do not want this kind of life. I don’t want anymore pain. I know this will never work. I know there is no saving this and honestly I do not want to try. I seriously crave alone time because just the sound of his voice stresses me out. Not to mention the things he says. Anyone man or woman in their right mind would have left him long ago… Guess it took me this long to get the right mind. Even his friends have left him. Sending me messages on fb and even xbox telling me that he is crazy. So much so that we had a F (his name) Club because we needed an outlet for dealing with him. But I left that club because it felt weird. I tried to be a good friend at the very least but I feel like he is killing me. Sucking any happiness I muster. I’m tired of the threats. Tired of the hate. There is nothing positive about him or the relationship. And its ironic because I do have mental problems and for a while he had me convinced that I was the entire problem. No matter what my family said, his friend or even my therapist. It wasn’t until I started recording him and writing the things he said down that I noticed how bad and manipulative he was. In all honesty I worry about what will happen to him when I leave. But how long do I have to hold that burden? He is grown. What he does with his own life is his responsibility right? But a part of me fears he will starve to death, get evicted, or worse. And those are real possibilities because that is exactly what was happening to him when I came into his life. Over the past years I have given him thousands of dollars. Paid for food, his rent, even his weed because I knew it actually did help him in the beginning. But now he makes no effort to better himself all the while talking trash about everyone else.

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