I know that I don’t want him in my future. I want to break up but I am scared of being alone. I have tried for years, giving it every single penny and emotion I could but this relationship is toxic. The only way it would work is if he changed. And he refuses to admit that calling me hateful things ranging from F*** Stain to Even if I ignore is tendency to be verbally abusive or the fact that he willingly causes me emotional pain because he is manipulative and wants to. The few good times we have are ruined by the fact that he never gives anything back. I hate how he spends every penny he has on weed and then begs me to buy him food or to send him money. Im tired of bailing him out of those situations especially since he goes between giving me ultimatums, spewing verbal hatred about myself and my family. When they have done more for him then even his own. He refuses to admit he has a problem and has literally tried to convince me that I am crazy because i refuse to accept him calling me a b****, ho, stupid telling me to he hates me, im disgusting, he hopes i die, that i need to be beat, that he wants to stab me. Its definitely toxic because it can happen over just me wanting to spend five minutes alone to read a book. Or if I don’t answer him. Hes become a combination of smothering and toxic obsessive that showcases how unforgiving of a person he truly is. I can feel the resolve building in me each time he hurls his vile words in my direction. Each time he starts a fight because I just want to be alone in my own company. He’s constantly giving me ultimatums and I have warned him this is the end. That he destroyed our relationship because he refuses to admit he has a problem. I know I am not perfect but he is the kind of person who purposely angers someone just so he can scream at them for being upset. The kind of person who says the cruelest things using personal past traumas against me. I have been pushed to the point of tears so much that these last few days his words only sting and I am numb. I know he is not right for me. I fear being alone and leaving him alone because I know he would be starving and homeless if I never met him. But I feel like mentally and even physically he is unhealthy for me.
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This is me. You are me. Except I never told him my own personal traumas because I instinctively knew he was going to use it against me. At the same time, I didn’t want to give up on him. That I knew he could be better if only he wanted to. But he can’t change just for me. It has to be for himself. I KNOW this isn’t all him. I don’t think he was born evil. At the same time, I don’t know how to help him, especially since I have problems of my own I struggle to fix.
You really are me. Your response was like reading my own mind. I know he can be better. I know his problems are not all his own making. I don’t know how to help him anymore. And I can’t afford to anymore. Not because of money but emotionally. I feel like a battery that has been charging him up from day 1 and now I have nothing left. I need to focus on me. I need to “fix” my mental health. I seriously do feel bad that I know I have to leave to take care of me because in spite of all the hurt I do care and I want him to be ok. But I can’t save him from himself and I have to start protecting me from him. It sucks feeling torn but knowing what must be done.
I feel like a failure. Inspite of everything, I feel like there must have been a way to make it work. If only I was more sociable or something. If I was a better mediator. When I see a problem people normally think is hopeless, I always think there must be a way. But as I am, I am not good enough. I always said that, too. That I might not be good enough, not because of my self worth, but my current ability to do anything for him. Every conceivable thing I thought of I couldn’t do because I did not have the personal tools to implement it. I keep thinking that we could have worked out a system that met both of our needs without having to put too much pressure on either of us. My half-baked attempts had backfired on me because I simply was not ready to be a friend, or even a functioning human being.