Attention. Hello, hello. Is this microphone on?

I’d like to announce toady that we have investigated ourselves and found no wrongdoing. Officer Steroids has been a important member of our Department for at least 3 or 4 motnhs now. We investigated the alleged incident where Officer Steroids pursued and allegedly shot the fleeing suspect in the back 16 times and we find there was no violation of Department Policy.

Allegedly the suspect died at the scene but we have no proof of that. Nor is there any proof that the alleged death of the suspect was in any way connected to the actions of Officer Steroids who was in fear for his life. We must make sure that our officers get home to their families at the end of the day.

We cannot comment further on this matter since it is under ongoing review and will be so for at least 200 years. Therefore the matter is closed and Officer Steroids and this Department are exonerated.

In deference to the Public I have made the personal decision to place Office Steroids on a three month Leave of Absence, with full pay, benefits and a promotion of course. Officer Steroids will keep his weapons and an extra 10,000 rounds of ammunition while on leave of absence and after his return to his promoted position.

Thank you,
The Chief of Police