Erica,

I hate the way I chased you for so many years. I can’t even be mad at you over it. You were clear from the very beginning you weren’t interested in a relationship. It’s not like you led me on. I persisted in believing that would change one day. I put all my hopes into it for eight years. I moved to Texas on that hope. That’s all on me. Partially on the church because the way they teach the Bible, anyone can convince themselves anything is from God.

But I f****** did it and I hate that. And now I’m still screwed up over that. I’ve long since gotten over you and frankly barely like you as a human being let alone feel any love for you. I haven’t missed talking to you. I hardly even wonder or care if you’re alive.

Yet what I did … how hard I persisted in believing there would be a future despite every evidence to the contrary … that still stays with me. It’s messing me up with C. She flat out said the feelings were mutual but I can’t believe it. I don’t trust it. I can’t stop myself from thinking she’s really just keeping me around because I provide her things. She’s shown me more care and love than you’ve ever shown me. She’s been more of a friend to me than you’ve ever been. But I can’t trust it. I can’t trust that I’m seeing more than there is, that I’m just Chasing Erica all over again.