C,

I’m sorry I lost it with you this morning. It felt like you blew me off last night. I convinced myself that you were just going to lie to me. I convinced myself that, as usual, this is just your plan to get what you want out of me, giving nothing in return.

This past week has been better than I imagined, before today. I’ve spent three or four nights in your bed next to you. You cuddled up to me each time. I didn’t make that move toward you. You made it towards me. And Friday night, the look in your eyes and the way you held me told me how you truly felt even though neither of us have said the words. I feel like I’ve always been able to tell how you feel by those hugs. The way you cling to me.

But Jesus, C, it seems every time it gets down to us being intimate something happens and that’s what makes me not trust you. I know I’m not being fair — Weds when I said we need to have some fun you offered that we could be intimate that very night. You wouldn’t have done that if you were just stringing me along. I know you wouldn’t have.

You finally said the feelings were mutual. I hadn’t asked because all this time I believed they weren’t mutual — that I care far more for you than you do for me. I want to believe it. I want to believe the feelings are mutual between us. Or I guess more truthfully, I want to trust it and stop doubting it. I want to stop thinking every silence means you’re ignoring me and or blowing off spending time together. I want to stop thinking I’m not important to you. I don’t really have a cause to feel that way after everything we shared this week. In a way, I know you have the same fear about me deciding to just kick you out back onto the streets with nothing. And maybe there’s nothing I can say verbally that will make you fear that outcome and more than there being something you could say to me that would make me trust that you have feelings for me. Maybe time will prove it to us both.