You know what makes me really upset. That for those 7 months nobody could know how hard I was working for you, how hard I tried, the things I did. Anything that was even happening with us. Everything was a secret until it wasn’t. So everything I worked so hard for I looked like s*** once again in front of everyone because it’s only the mistakes they get to know about. You always make me look like a bad person when something doesn’t go right how we expected. I know my wrong doings and I apologize and I take the consequences and i work on myself but in private. On my own. But does anyone know that you always forced being friends on us, does anyone know you kept leaving me whenever it was good for you and coming back repeating the same hurtful things, that you continuously gave me mixed signals, that you compared me to your everyday friends while doing all of this. Saying things that we would never work. I begged to be with you, to not jump to having a friend label because ur actions showed something else and I hated how ur words and actions never matched with me. I was so consistent with you. For months I was there and everyday did U even appreciate it? I still am right here even when I’m so far away. I know you probably think I’m gonna get my karma I’m gonna get what I deserve it’s coming but your the only one who can’t see any of this. Yet I’m actually doing so much good for myself, I finally have friends, I’m starting to like my physical appearance, i feel free of social media, i reflect on myself and i take accountability and do better. I’m learning and growing and I don’t need anything new in my life to come and give me karma or something happening to me. I don’t think I deserve bad. Only I really know how I feel or why I do what I do and how I can fix it if I’m really working on myself. If being on the verge of killing myself everyday isnt karma enough I don’t know what is for you. Do you wanna see me hurt? I never wanted to see you hurt even though I caused it but that’s what I write about everyday. Even after feeling like this throughout the whole day I still hope one day you’ll come back and be able to see me for me and not my mistakes. That’s all you’ve ever really cared about from me. That’s why I started doing these things for myself because you don’t appreciate it like I hope u do. You think I deserve the worst to happen to me and you throw out the gestures I do not even to win you back but just to show you I care and someone is thinking of you. I genuinely hope your happy with yourself. I really do hope you are happy. I’m just so tired of feeling like nothing I’ve ever done is good enough. I’m not the best I can be, I don’t do everything right but I know when I do wrong and I’m sorry for that. And I work to do better and i put in all my effort and time always to show you that. I just don’t want to look like this anymore. I don’t wanna feel like I’m this bad person who deserves these bad things because that’s what YOU believe. I know I’m worth it and i see my efforts and how hard i work and I’m so proud of myself and I will appreciate it myself and continue learning, growing, and changing whether you are here for it or not. And i hope you do the same and one day we can come back together. Until then I need my own time and space to love and recognize the things I do that you won’t see. I pray you do one day.