usually i only come to this website for bad reasons, not tonight though.

i just did my testosterone injection. happy 22nd! Im almost two days late, for the first time. last night when i tried to do it i spent so long looking for a good spot that i gave up altogether. earlier tonight i smoked like 1/4 of a joint forgetting i had to do it NOW? I did my injection and it went fine, just took a long time to psyche myself up.

its really annoying to do these injections. i dont LIKE doing them. when i did it that first time i was so shocked that i actually did it, all i could do for a second was stare and say “…cooool…” i kind of enjoyed doing my injections for the first few weeks, and i could get it done in 15min MAX. something in my anxious monkey brain broke though around week 5 and i started having panic attacks before doing it. ive been getting better every week at it but i have my moments.

anyways. i was just thinking… even though its a b**** to do, im really blessed to have this weird oil in my possession. i spent a long time feeling…wrong. for no discernible reason, and then i took the time to put all of the pieces together and suddenly i just? understood? and that didnt make it any easier, just knowing isnt enough. i never thought that id get to the point where i could find a commitment that would help alleviate that stress.

im still here, not necessarily because of the testosterone but thats been a huge factor these past 5 months. its given me….a third chance. smoking weed gave me the mental break and patience to sort through trauma and think a little more critically about myself, that was my second chance. this third chance is giving me the courage to keep on living now that i dont feel so alien. i used to fear going outside, knowing people would see me. and that even if no one else knew, i would know. i felt like my skin was too tight. didnt recognize my face, couldnt connect it to my thoughts. i felt like my body was an alien, a separate entity. a vessel for nothing. i cut and hit my skin, i smoked cigarettes, i got drunk on school nights, hung out with people i knew would make me feel unsafe, i jeopardized my relationships, failed classes.

im losing my train of thought. i hate looking at my life spread out like that.

the point is that things are different now.

i came out, i transitioned socially, i am transitioning medically, soon legally.

i was thinking after my injection tonight, about how im at a point where my new college classmates are shocked to hear that im transgender, that they assumed i was just really openly gay.

that’s a gift.

its a gift. to understand finally, that the people ive been so afraid of my whole life see me as…me.

my life isnt perfect, im still struggling in many ways. but its a great comfort to know that im starting to fit in my own skin, and that my authentic self is finally getting the chance to show on the outside personally, and physically.