It seems all problems would be sorted out if I had the courage and determination to commit suicide. No fate-gambling of God, no turning back to who left me alone, no more sinking down depressed, no more need to fukin try to smile artificially, no more watching out who reached better success, no more fukin society interference to personal life, no more emotional threatning form parents to keep on trying what they want me to be and no more repeates fatal failure due to lack of luck.
I wish I could shout ‘f*** the luck and f*** your unfair world God! I am not quitting, I’m just getting rid of my pains you gifted me, won’t take any more’ and jump off the cliff.
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My best friend Jenny jumped on 9-17-16. To this day I just think “Asshole.” I also had a dream with her in it – she is wandering in the dark, her soul forever in pain. When I look at a photo of her smiling face, I think “That’s the person who murdered Jenny.” Now you think about that before you do something foolish – what you will do to your friends and relatives who have to halt their lives and come to your funeral, and the family members who have to go through your shit. Just suck it up and make changes in your life. Don’t fucking smile if you don’t feel like smiling. Don’t compare your insides to other people’s outsides. Remember you are the direct descendant of all the people on planet earth who were wiped out by disease or famine – you are the strongest of the strong – everyone else didn’t make it, but your DNA is the best of the best. Get going and quit feeling sorry for yourself, I was suicidal for 4 years and I obviously didn’t do it and, boy, and I glad I got help instead of blowing my fucking head off.
And leave God out of it, please, he gave you a brain and a mind and two legs that walk and two eyes that see, what the fuck else do you want? He’s not a shrink and he’s not a magic genie.