It’s funny how can one look so normal but feel ugly inside. I tend to have these odd feeling of low self value yet I don’t agree with it at the same time. I don’t agree that my feelings should dictate who I am as feelings can be a fleeting “in the moment” situation for me.
I’ve noticed that I prefer to be alone nowadays and i feel awkward around others unlike my old self where I can socialize easily.
I don’t trust people yet sometimes I catch myself trying to validate myself for them. I’ve been told I can be “talkative” for a guy and that hit me hard , like am I not a man ? Are men supposed to be reserved ?
Almost instantaneously, I started to keep things to myself.
I was told I have an “open” face , meaning I’m not Mysterious. That to , made me wonder , is the reason for my failed relationships and my need to please people .
But last year , I started realizing I’m attracted to ladies that won’t work or are not compatible with me just because , I never felt like I deserve to have a happy one subconsciously.
It’s a work in progress late in the game but I do want to change. Honestly, I think I have commitment issues that I never work at resolving in a healthy manner but rather on a destructive path albeit, I’m doing better these days than some in similar situations.
My younger sister got married recently that reminded me of how life is passing me by and here I am , as an adult male in his 30s , acting like he’s in his 20s. This year I’m aiming to get my life on track . May not be perfect but better than today and yesterday.
