I’ve been feeling depressed and lonely nowadays.
I don’t know from where I should start.

I’ve been experiencing this since my first year in senior high school
I was enrolled in a school I had never know before because my national exam was so so.
From what I knew, this school was not quite good compared to my other friends’.
I was alone from my old school, I barely knew someone here.
At first, I thought it would be a new start although I don’t really like this school.
But somehow it was hard to make friend. And the fact that I wasn’t kind of person who easily adapted made everything harder.
When my class was announced after orientation day, i gathered with my classmates.
I looked so lost because many people knew each other so I just stand outside them, but not too far
Suddenly a person approached me first and he was so kind. A type of bad-boy but he befriended everyone, from what I saw. It’s getting better that we had the same hobbies and were able to play guitar.
He often talked to me after that. It felt like I have got new friend. And quite close, I thought.
We grew closer and closer, even he came to my house. Honestly, I was not kind of person who easily allowed my friend came to my home but he is different.
I always texted him first, invited him for a movie or just making music.
Sometimes we went to cinema together. I went to his house whenever he was sick.
I begged him to teach me sports.
I had told almost all my secrets to him. He seemed okay with it.
At class, we often laid to each other. Our friends often called us gay couple but we don’t give a f***.

One thing I didn’t realise back then was I was the only one who gave everything.

He never texted me first. He never invited me to his house. He never asked me if I’m not okay. He never told me when he just had a girlfriend and I was the last in the class who knew it.
He never did everything for us unless I asked for it. He never told me his secret.
Once I went with my other friend and my friend talked about him. Suddenly my friend stopped talking and humming (I could hear but I pretended not to) ‘Ugh that was his secret’.
I started being afraid if I was not his close friend while I felt so.
Did I share too much? Did I do too much? The thoughts kept lingering around in my head.
I tried to stop texting him first for maybe a month, and you know what?
He didn’t text me. He acted like nothing happened.
This was my first time I had such a close friend. It was something I dreamt for a long time.
But I was disappointed.
I felt lonelier than before, eventhough I still met him.
I cried every night before I sleep, trying to accept the fact that I was just nobody.
It made me felt down.
It looked clearer when we were on different class next year.
He never talked to me anymore. We always said hi to each other in the corridor but never did more.
It felt awkward, we almost became a stranger to each other.
And now, we are not in the same college. We follow each other’s insta, but we even never see each other story. Uhm honestly, I still see his, sometimes.
But since I was not that active in insta anymore, I can finally say that we are now completely strangers.
The trauma is quite severe, I tried hard to open up in college but always failed. I have random anxieties every time I talk to people and I ended up having no friends here.