From a young age, I’ve been very self-isolated, and my family enabled it. For the longest time, I’ve been completely alone in this. My mother doesn’t try to connect with me. She doesn’t seem to care how I really feel and has never shown any interest in my hobbies or what I liked throughout my teenage years.

When I was 8, she kicked my father out and filed a restraining order against him. He wasn’t a great person, or so I’ve been told, but from what I remember, he was the only one who wouldn’t let me hide in my room all the time. He forced me to go out, whether it was for his own benefit or not.

When I was 11, I met a nice girl online. She lived in the same country as me, just on the other side. She was kind and sweet, and she was the only person I would really talk to. When I was 14 (she was 15), she told me she had been raped. She was extremely upset, so I stayed with her and never left her on read. She thought I would leave and stop talking to her, but I didn’t. Three days later, she killed herself.

She was the only person who had ever been unconditionally kind to me. She was the only person I could talk to, and suddenly she was gone. I never told anyone about it. Since then, I’ve avoided any form of real relationship with anyone. If someone asks how I feel, I just say I’m fine and dodge personal questions. If someone tries to befriend me or get to know me, I self-sabotage and push them away because I don’t want to risk being left again.

I’m 18 now. I have no friends, no one I can trust or talk to. I’m autistic, so I already struggle with conversation. I’m terrified of being shut down, rejected, or left alone if I open up. I fear being alone, but I fear losing someone I care about even more. It doesn’t help that I get attached very easily to people who show me any attention.

Recently, I was introduced to an extraordinarily kind and sweet woman by some people I was hanging out with online. Even though she was invited to the group to be friends with everyone, once she learned I was from the same country, she mostly spoke to me. She would private message me, ask personal questions, and compliment me while I sat there awkwardly. I ruined every conversation with one-word replies, went silent in calls because I couldn’t think of what to say, and made her think I was completely disinterested.

I tried my best to support her emotionally when she vented to me, but I know what she really wanted was for me to open up the same way she did. I did become attached to her quickly and wanted to be her friend, but when she eventually pulled away, I didn’t stop her.

And recently I’ve been crying myself to sleep because she reminded me of her.