I love you. Do I? Or I just hate being alone. Why do I feel disgusted when someone pays attention to me? Why do I immediately dislike when someone makes a move on me? Even though I claimed to love that person before. Is it because I think they’re lying? Or because I think I don’t deserve it? Or maybe I’m just a bad person. Perhaps, that’s it.

I just feel so sick when someone shows interest in me. I suddenly feel trapped and in that moment I just want to leave and forget they exist, which is strange, because usually a few days or weeks later I miss them again. But, do I really? Maybe I just miss my “idea” of them. Or I just miss the attention, the way they made me feel worthy for a day or two before I got scared of the real thing. Am I using them? Is it not love that I feel? It’s just… What? Need for validation? Then why would I feel so sick after I finally get it? Why do I want to push them away?

I haven’t been able to establish a normal relationship in my life. I like my parents, but I wish they never asked me anything ever again, even though sometimes I miss them. I really love my friends, but I feel like I can’t talk with any of them about this. I like them, but I think they don’t like me like I do. What if they did? Would I still push them away like I’ve always done? Would they even take it seriously? I don’t even want to think about it, it scares me. The fact of opening myself to other people scares me, so when I sometimes can’t hold it back and cry I feel like I want to disappear completely and never see them again. It’s like my mind would erase them completely, like it has happened other times. For example, my last school. I was sick of it. I had made my decision to enter another school the next year and I didn’t tell anyone about it (except two of my closest friends that deserved to know) and just left. My mind has erased almost every memory from there, their faces, their voices, and even though while writing this I may remember some things, it’s all so blurry, almost as if it was a bad dream.

I sometimes have weird dreams and remember people I thought I’d never see again, and then I wake up and spend the whole morning feeling awkward. Like, that didn’t have to happen. And sometimes I feel like it would be so easy to just move into another country alone and learn everything again. It feels like starting over it’s easier than dealing with the mess I already have. I’d rather run away than face them again after letting them see me like that. It happens to other things too, for example in sport, I usually like to learn new things rather than working on what I do the worst. Perhaps it’s because I let myself have more margin of error, I let myself fall because I’m still a baby in his first steps, but when it’s something that I’m supposed to do good and fail, then that’s the problem. I hate it. I want to just drop it and leave it buried underground.

I have so much self pressure in doing everything right that when something goes wrong I just hope I was dead instead. And not in a way of killing myself, I’m terrified of hurting myself, but in a way that makes me think that it’d be better if I was never here in the first place.

Then I don’t understand what I want. I want to have friends, I want to have a partner, but when I have the chance I just turn my back. I swear that it looks like I hate myself because I can’t ever choose what will make me happy in the future just because I’m so scared of being vulnerable to other people, even though it’s the only thing I want. I want to be held by someone as I cry, but when I cry in front of a person I want to hide. I want to hang out with my friends, and I get so jealous when I see them hanging without me, but when I’m with them I feel like I should’ve just stayed home instead. Then what do I want? What the f*** do I even want? If I don’t want to be there with them, then why do I cry later for being alone? If I feel so disgusted when someone shows interest in me, why do I cry later when I see you with someone else? Why do I want you if when I can have you I hate it?

I honestly hate this. I hate contradicting myself, which I do either way. I’m such a hypocrite. I’m so scared of real intimacy that I think I’m rotting my brain into making fake scenarios where I actually feel loved. I think I have filled my mind with those thoughts so much that now I can’t even accept real intimacy. It scares me so much.

I once cried myself to sleep because I saw you with another girl. You were just talking, but that was enough for me to think that you already chose her above me. I cried so hard that my eyes stayed red until the next afternoon. The next day I decided it was time to forget you, even though I loved you (and still do) so much. I tried to accept that I wouldn’t be the one that you’d fall in love with. And guess what happened the next night. I dreamt about you, and not just any dream. We kissed, and you held me later as if you cared, as if finally I had gotten what I wanted. But no, it was all a dream. I spent the whole morning remembering the feeling of your hands and lips, because it felt way too real. And I remember my legs trembling all morning because of the nerves, just because of a dream. It wasn’t even real, but it felt like I was going to die. So I don’t understand it anymore.

I can try to justify it with the: “I’m scared of letting people in because I don’t want to get hurt.”
But I feel that’s not what ‘s happening here. It sounds more like: “I’m hurting and I don’t even want to fix it. Because in some way, I know the answer to stop hurting.”
And I feel like I may know the answer to fix this, but again, I would rather run away than fix this mess, just because it’s easier to escape and not face those people again than being vulnerable in front of them. I don’t want them to laugh at me, think I’m pathetic or never talk to me ever again (even though sometimes it already feels like it).

Maybe I’m just made to be alone and feel miserable. I’ll have to learn how to cope with it, or accept the pain and keep running away like I always do. I’m such a coward, I know, but I’ll just keep hiding it until I have to escape again. I’d like to know I’m not the only one who feels like this. I don’t know why, but I guess it’d be comforting to see what other people think.