I worry I'm ruining my life. I'm with a man who has not proposed to me in the seventeen years we've been together. We've settled and he's not really eager

8 months

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I worry I’m ruining my life. I’m with a man who has not proposed to me in the seventeen years we’ve been together. We’ve settled and he’s not really eager or wanting kids, he’ll just be happy to nut inside and will give me kids if I ‘really want to have them’. I want someone who truly wants me, wants to grow, support and provide – not someone who is just ‘okay and comfortable’ with me. Now I’m partially thinking I should take the plunge and let him impregnate me but what good will that bring. I’ll have kids and be starting a family but will things really get better? Or will that make things so much worse? Should I run away and be single at such a late age? I’m 34.. and i’ll admit people think i’m younger than my true age but.. to get old and alone is a scary thought. Yet it’s equally as scary to start a life with someone who doesn’t seem like he really cares. He’s just there and I can’t help but feel like he just likes having me around to clean, provide money, and provide s**. I’ve never been in the dating scene before, so I don’t even know what I’d be jumping into. The unknown is scary. And the thought of finding/being with someone ‘perfect’ is also unrealistic, no? So.. should I settle, try for kids and just hope for the best? Or do I jump in hopes of finding a better life. I’m so unsure about what to do and as days pass it’s eating me up inside.

New Confession

Ive been talking with two different ladies that wanted to come to my place and stay a couple days and bring there daughters with them. One was 10 and one was 11. Well I hinted to both of them that I wanted to be with the daughters too. Well the one with the daughter was 11 came first. I had her mother tied to my bed naked. I called for daughter to come in the room and she asked me what I was doing. I looked at her and you’ll see. I think she knew what I was up too. Her daughter came in and saw her mother t****** and wasn’t going anywhere. I told her your mother and I think that you need to have some s** education. I told her to take of her clothes and put them nicely on the bed. I told her that I need help with her mother and a couple other things we need to do. She took everything off accept for her underwear. I told her you p****** need to come off too. She had very cute n****** and a little bit of hair around her c***. I had her sit facing me and I opened up her legs and I started rubbing her c*** and started putting one finger inside her. I told her that I needed to finger her for a bit first to open her up. I had her lay back and I popped her cherry by doing that. Then me and her went into the bathroom and cleaned her up and we came back in and I had her sit where she was and I started f******** her again. I had two fingers inside her and then I put my c*** inside her and slowly started to penetrate her. I did it slowly at first and then I was all the way inside her. I couldn’t help but c** inside her because she was so tight. I kept pumping her and I started to see she was liking it. I came inside her 4 times within 6 mins. We went back in the bathroom and clean her up again. Then I had her get between her mother’s legs and start licking her c*** and I put myself back inside her. I was all the way inher and came again. Her mother was liking her daughter licking her. I showed her how to finger her mother and s*** on her c***. She was getting her mother off. It was so hot to watch that right in front of me. It was a big turn on for me to be right there watching and having s** with her.

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I’ve been an e***** for four years. I can’t look at a man without feeling such visceral disgust. I really hate this but the money is so good. I have my own house and car and I’ve put myself through school with no loans and am in pharmacy school now, still no loans. I’m just so tired.