I am weak and a slave to my desires. I’ve been trying for 3 years to fix myself but to no avail.
I lied for years about my skills and basically dumbed myself down so I could hide. I’d be haunted by the thought that the eyes of those I know would really see ME, and I’d be unable to express myself in a way that I can’t to people IRL.
While I feel horrible for lying, a world that only I know is a comfort that I cannot find this world.
I regularly think about hurting myself. I used to sh years ago but I’m 2 years clean now. But when it gets late at night or when I’m alone, I think of bashing my head into the floor, or taking as many pills as I can. I might think of dying sometimes but most of the time I think of the pain that might come with these things. Like how I might internally bleed or choke on my own vomit. I don’t feel normal. Not when I have these thoughts almost nightly.
