i really wanna die. I dont know what to do. i have people i trust but telling them how i feel would hurt them and make them feel responsible so I havent

3 years

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i really wanna die. I dont know what to do. i have people i trust but telling them how i feel would hurt them and make them feel responsible so I havent said anything. i dont think anyone really knows the extent to how dark things have gotten in my head. i think a handful of people only know fractions of the whole truth, but nobody knows it all.
i guess i still have stuff i wanna do. like i dont wanna kill myself or anything, but its like i keep seeing myself dying in vivid and painful ways. or animals or other people. its scary. i dont know who to turn to that wont be hurt be saying these things or hurt me further.
im just grateful for the space to say it here.

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I’ve got better things to do tonight then die!

Autobot Spinger

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I regularly think about hurting myself. I used to sh years ago but I’m 2 years clean now. But when it gets late at night or when I’m alone, I think of bashing my head into the floor, or taking as many pills as I can. I might think of dying sometimes but most of the time I think of the pain that might come with these things. Like how I might internally bleed or choke on my own vomit. I don’t feel normal. Not when I have these thoughts almost nightly.