I know this is a very odd story, and I know many people are going to find it has a lot of parts but at the moment I just need to get it off my chest. Let’s start at the beginning. I come from a moderately conservatives and religious family, and my husband is of the same beliefs. From the beginning I very much was pushed into getting married from my family and my friends. I occasionally had different views from them and I truly think that they thought me getting married would be a way to ‘tame’ me. We have a child together, almost three. We lived close to his family before they were born, and have since moved to be closer to my family as it really took a toll on me. My husband has never been super interested in s**, and was more interested in how many children we could have.

Fast forward to this time last year. There was a completely separate situation with my family, and is still ongoing. It rocked my world, and my husband showed no interest in anything other than himself. We had just had s** before he left to go visit his parents, and it really hit me that I didn’t enjoy s** with him. I didn’t get excited or feel anything like you see or hear from books, or even from my friends. I tried to talk to him about it but he didn’t want anything to do with it. We argued most days, and I felt like all I did was look after him and our child. I didn’t work outside of the house, and he really didn’t want me to. Many of my family members relieved on me, and I was just getting frustrated, so I did something that was completely out of character for me. I signed up for an affair website.

I received a lot of messages, and learnt more about s** than I ever had before. There was two that I ended up talking to, and in the end meet one after a fight with my husband. Although he was more than 10 years older than me we ended up becoming great friends, and have set up a friends with benefit type relationship. Through this year of spending time together I have learnt a lot about myself, and finally come to terms with things that have happened in my past. The s** is amazing, but even just knowing there is someone I can talk to has been a blessing I never knew that I needed.

My husband shows no signs of seeing anything different and honestly, hasn’t asked where or what I am up to when I leave for the evening. It has almost been six months since we last had s**, and he shows no signs of wanting anything to happen any time soon. Our relationship only exists because of our daughter and the beliefs that my family and husband believe. I don’t want to say I don’t believe what I have grown up around, but it’s hard to agree with everything that goes on.

Fast forward to now, even with protection and even the morning after pill I ended up pregnant. When I went to the doctor they realized that I was having an ectopic pregnancy and that the baby wasn’t viable. They could already tell my body was going through an early miscarriage. I informed him right away and although he couldn’t physically be there for me, he was there for me. My husband was none the wiser of the situation, and if he noticed anything nothing was said.

Now a few weeks on and it’s eating me from the inside. My mind is everywhere, even though it was a small amount of time I feel in love with the idea of another baby. It’s bringing me into an extremely dark place, and having no one to talk to because of the situation has been horrendous. I finally was able to sit down and talk with the other guy and he is willing to let me talk, but it’s hard when I know it was something that never should have happened, and I feel like I am the only one who ever loved this baby. I don’t know what I want to do, I feel like if I leave this situation it’s closing the door on being able to talk to someone. I don’t want to leave him, and I know there is no way I could leave my husband without serious consequences.

If you have made it this far, thank you for reading, and although this story is messy I appreciate being able to be honest with someone.