I just had a full on mental breakdown. I cried for a whole hour outside. I usually cope with self-harm, but I can’t find my scissors anywhere. I don’t know what to do. Hyperventilating. I want to be happy. But do I really deserve happiness? Do I deserve to breathe air? Do i deserve to eat food and this comfy bed I’m sleeping on? My p1arents asked me what I wanted for christmas. There’s nothing that I really want to be honest. I don’t think I am allowed to want something. Am I? I just feel dull. I sit on the ground and look at the moon. The same routine every 2-3 am. I sit and look at the moon. I immerse myself with all these thoughts and cry until i can’t. Or if I don’t have the motivation to go outside, i turn off the lights and stare at my ceiling. If god exists, why would you make me go through all this? Do you really love me? Was it your plan to make me suffer and cry every night? I live in the Philippines. Every problem can be solved with God. That’s what I learned from living here. It’s all about God. God this, God that. If i kill myself, will it also be god’s plan? Did i fail to meet his expectations? Did i fail the “test” he’s giving me?
