a very close loved one of mine recently passed and it's been making me realize how futile, fake, and overall shitty my friends are. all of them, I know

4 years

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a very close loved one of mine recently passed and it’s been making me realize how futile, fake, and overall s***** my friends are. all of them, I know that they have their own lives, I respect and miss them. But they do things without me, super fun s*** sometimes, and for nearly six months I’ve been in my home grieving rarely leaving. they don’t invite me out, on these trips they take.. they told me they thought I couldn’t afford it or I would just stay in my room the whole time. but they’ve been planning it for months, saving up, but didn’t think I could save any money I guess. these are the shittiest friends. I listened to them vent about they’re dates and all types of b*******. I check up on them if they’re going through something, and the only person I ever loved wholeheartedly, unconditionally, is gone forever, something I thought my friends might realize how hard it would be for them to go through or have some type of empathy on me. Knowing my life and family I guess I’m surprised that they never connected that they were the most important people in my life now.. I’m sorry for being upset at them in a way where I don’t really feel they deserve it, but at the same time I am so undeniably hurt about being practically completely forgotten about. To the point I may or may not tell them this. I may admit my hurt but I may just stop trying, and cut them off entirely. Only because I have already expressed to them how I felt about them planning bar and traveling trips without me, and why I cared, and what I was goin through, and my friend just replied, well I didn’t think traveling to a fun city in a different state would be enjoyable to me, I wouldn’t have any fun just staying in the room, and that plus they didn’t know I could afford it.. all lies, with smirks, and nervous laughs. I knew I could’ve just beat the f*** out of ’em and send them on their way. But I try to be a little more diplomatic. so.. I figure maybe I try to make it work with the friends I can, but otherwise not miss the remaining hot messes.

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I’m a female, nineteen years old, nothing special about me tbh although I seem to be a lot interesting to guys twice my age. I’m not that attractive but I was almost raped by my cousin when I was eight. I’m an only child and that’s my misery, everyone thinks I’m spoiled while I’m broke. I was raised by my mother, being a burden and a debt to her but I was unaware that after I grow up, I’ll have to repay everything. My mother sold her body in order to earn money, about which I always knew because there were a lot of men and women who visited the house we lived in, I decided to stay silent about it and nobody knew where my father is, my mother said he’s a bad guy. I turned fifteen and my mother introduced me to a man in his thirties, who has a wife and a child already. I was against it, but she said that he won’t be having s*x with me, he’ll just touch and groom me until I get into adulthood but nightmare came soon. She fell into poverty and made me have s** with him, that night is hunting and painful, I can still feel the pain in my private part when I remember it, I bled a lot, my innocence was took away from me at sixteen. After that, my mother showed me to two more men, introduced me to them, made me sleep with them for money, saying that it’s all for my future. F*ck you mother.