I feel like such a p************. I feel like everyone in my life would be better off if I hadn’t been born. I don’t want to die, because the fear of hell is in me, knowing it would hurt people, knowing it would leave responsibilities. but man if I hadn’t been born:
maybe my dad wouldn’t have been overwhelmed with twins and wouldn’t have left, he would have just had a daughter and a son like a normal happy family.
if dad hadn’t left and mom hadn’t had to focus so much on twins alone, maybe my sister wouldn’t have grown up with so many issues. maybe now she wouldn’t be a drug addict alcoholic who treats everyone else like s*** and uses her own daughter as a gambling chip to keep the family under her thumb
maybe my brother wouldn’t have any daddy issues and wouldn’t now also be an alcoholic.
maybe my mom wouldn’t have had to work herself into poor health so she wouldn’t be struggling so much now in her early 60s. she would have the support of a husband.
maybe my husband would still be in his home country, happy and comfortable, not dealing with all the shite in the us and living in poverty just struggling to survive, married to an ugly useless cow. and he probably would be in better health, too.
all the people I’ve disappointed and let down with my failures would be much happier.
and I wouldn’t be here, depressed and hating myself, beholden to others forever because I feel like Im worthless if I’m not being of service to others. I wouldn’t be here hating my fat ugly body and my stupid toothless smile and my legally blind eyeballs and I wouldn’t be costing anyone their hard earned money with my stupid problems.
I don’t want to die. but I don’t want to exist.
