I have committed my entire life to my education. I haven’t gone out of my way to try and do anything else, for whatever f****** reason that is, and now that I’m in college, jobless, without any ounce of talent, have to stick through this until I can somehow get into the degree I’m pursuing to make some sort of difference in the world (but surprise surprise, humans s*** so it’s not like having a biology degree is matter in the next 20 to 30 years even if I somehow contribute to making a change). Its gotten so bad that if I do even mediocre on any test, quiz, or even assignment I have suicidal thoughts. I’m so terrified of doing bad that I show up an hour before every class. I’ve been through every thought process and mental health support method I can think of and I’m still like this. I know its stupid and I know that doing anything to myself wouldn’t change anything, but I still end up feeling like this over the smallest inconvenience when it comes to my educational career. This is the first time I’m saying this anywhere, and yet it doesn’t even matter, because I’m going to wake up tomorrow and put myself through the exact same thing I’ve been doing for the past 18 years of my life. I can’t even say that school itself is the problem, waking up and existing feels like something I HAVE to do, nothing feels like something I can do for myself anymore. The things I enjoyed are just something I do to give myself an ounce of serotonin so that I can go back to doing work later. College is fun.
