I’ve decided to stop trying to get my husbands attention.

He never should have married someone he wasn’t physically attracted to. He never should have married someone who’s personality he loved. I’ve never had the body he wants. I’ll never have it without surgery and he’s great at finding women with it online. He loves their pictures. He praises them. He comes so hard to them and lets them know it. He won’t even acknowledge mine.

I’m sick of not feeling pretty or s*** because my husband doesn’t find me attractive. I’m sick of reading “F***, you’re gorgeous! You’re lucky I’m not closer or I’d never leave you alone.” “God, your t*** would always have my mouth on them.” “Oh f***, you make me so hard. I came in 8 minutes, f*** this mess.” Knowing he’d rather f*** his hand than f*** his wife with the opposite body of what he likes, it hurts.

I’m sorry I’m tall. I’m sorry I’ve only had above D breasts when I was making milk. I’m sorry I have an a** and hips. I’m sorry the rest of me is thin, long and gangly. I’d give anything to be shorter. To be fatter. To have t*** the size of my head. Soft t***. T*** that he’d jerk his d*** to just because you were sent a video of them being jiggled. I can’t jiggle my t***, they’re too firm and sit too high on my chest. I’d give anything to have n****** that stick out. That he’d say “I’d give anything to s*** on those.” I’ve never heard that from him. I’ve been here 12 years. I was his internet crush for 8 years. He’d ask for pics from me and tell me things like “You’re so pretty. I love your eyes. Your hair is gorgeous.” If only I knew what his attention really felt like. I never would have met him in person. I never would have married him. I wish I knew before I handed over my soul. I’ll never leave because I’m scared. Because we somehow got a child even with our only having s** every three weeks. When he only comes into the room after I’ve gotten myself wet. He’s never touched my body in foreplay. I know he knows what it is, he tells women in great detail how he’d eat their p****. How he’d worship their bodies. If he touches my p**** with anything but his c***, its thirty seconds of c*** rubbing then he’s pushing me to the side to take me from behind. I never noticed til I realized his attention waned. I never noticed til recently when I couldn’t remember the last time we had s**. But realized he was acting shifty and checked his messaging apps.

I’d give anything to not know in such great detail what he prefers.