I’m about 90% sure I was supposed to be a boy. There will be nights where I lie in bed just f****** crying wishing so badly that I had a flat chest so I could run around the beach with my shirt of playing games with other boys. Or wishing that I had a deep voice so I could sing beautifully the way those Broadway men do. Or that I had a strong jawline and more angular facial features so I would actually look good in photos. Or broad shoulders and muscular arms so I could wear tank tops and people would ask me if they can poke my biceps. I hate everything about my self. It hurts so bad that I want to tear the skin of my own body. I haven’t told anyone. I’m too terrified. What if I can’t get a job? What if I get beat up in the men’s bathroom? What if the people I love turn out to be transphobic and I loose them? Or what if I’m not actually trans and I regret transitioning? What if I pick the wrong name? What if I am trans and all this worrying is just wasting time and then it’s too late? I am already almost finished with puberty. People used to tease me when I told them I’m not like other girls. I can’t imagine what they would do if I told them I’m not a girl. It’s so terrifying but if I don’t do something about it soon I think I will just break. Maybe end up in a mental hospital. I’m too passive to kill myself. Besides, I do have people that love me. I wouldn’t want to do that to them. That’s one good thing about my situation. I’m just scared that they won’t understand.
