I would rather die than figure out how to live in all this, in my brain in this world, but I can’t hurt the people I love by taking myself out. I’m so tired of the emotional rollercoaster and feeling like I will only ever feel good briefly from time to time in a sea of pain. I don’t see how this will end, but it brings me comfort knowing that if the pain ever gets truly too big to handle, I can take control of the situation and decide to end it. But it’s sometimes the only piece of control I feel like I have. I am so tired of feeling like I MUST be the problem but not knowing how to fix it/me.
