I fell in love with my friend and college colleague. Something unreal, nothing like I’ve ever felt before. She was spontaneous and funny; we had the same taste in music, books, and anime. She plays guitar and piano and even recently sent me videos of her learning to play a song she was obsessed with. She was bi and very open about it around our college group; I was always very open-minded so it didn’t matter much. But then, recently, these feelings for her, this love, grew so much it started affecting me physically. I would lose appetite, I would start overthink so much about if she was flirting with my friends (that she recently met when we were celebrating my birthday) and it was driving me mad. Last night, we went out to a party with my friends and her friends. I got totally drunk for the first time in my life, and she had a lot too. We kissed (she asked if wanted too, that there would be no hard feelings if I did). Then, after, her friend said my crush wanted to kiss one of my friends, who straight up rejected it. Later on, we kissed again. But here’s the catch: she had a long term toxic relationship, and lost interest in romance. In fact, she even mentioned that she kissed her friend once, that she kissed her friend’s brother, and so on. “She was too much for me and I would only end up hurt”, was what another friend told on the way there, and so did a third friend. I knew that too. I am way too inexperienced to deal with someone like her. It became clear when we were on the dance floor and she started going at it with a random girl beside us, way harder than we did. After we went back to her place on an uber (we stayed at the courtyard of the building until the subway opened again) she mentioned she did indeed kissed my friend (the one she wanted to kiss) despite he saying he avoided all her attempts (he mentioned later he kissed a girl, but didn’t remember it clearly), and while we were waiting for the rest of the guys to get there in another uber, now already more sober, I admitted my crush and she admitted she had her suspicions, but laid it down that it was her thing to go kissing everyone, and that since she really trusted me and valued me as her friend, she didn’t wanted that to change. I understood that, I reinforced that I would never force her into something she didn’t wanted to (I didn’t wanted to be like her ex). Let it out already since we were already talking about it, and that she was probably the first I ever saw the qualities and flaws and still could love her regardless. We stayed in a platonic-ish footing, and that if in any other hangout she wanted to kiss again, it was fine by me. Since we were even talking a lot about Stranger Things lately (I didn’t really like it anymore, but I tried to make an effort), I joked that we could just be like Steve and Robin, if Robin was bi too.