Back here again. I would have been here last night if it wasn’t for a night of distraction. I was here, but my diary is gone. No surprise, first contact was always going to be an interesting moment. I think I was cool about it. Hard to tell. He always seems to see through things. I meant what I said. To him at least. Will it cause problems? Hard to tell.

Over things? Not a chance. Things getting better? Yes I think so. Will they be better in a few weeks? Probably. But I miss him. I miss him a lot. I think about him all the time and I long to hold and be held. I wish I was back in his arms. No future. What a strange thought. Maybe to him. Yet here I am, wishing only for a future. I was stupid not to say and show it. I don’t viscerally blame myself, but I do feel hurt and sad. No hard feelings, but I long for him.

I feel stupid. It’s been ages. It sounds silly just saying it. Why do I feel like this? Why am I like this? I should have moved on. I try. I really do try and find a new start. I can’t honestly say I repress these feelings though. I still love him. I think maybe I’ll always love him.

He didn’t think there was a future. I think he was wrong but I can never tell him that. I’m just one face in a crowd to him. He’s the only one in my crowd. Sure there have been others, but they never felt anything like this.

I’m scared. I’m worried. I’m scared that I won’t find someone as good. He was perfect to me. I don’t think I’m good enough for anyone else. Maybe that’s why it’s over. But I really felt safe with him. He knew what he was doing, he showed me things, he guided me. I’ll always love him for that.

I hope in my heart of hearts the next person is waiting round the corner. Different, yes. But equally perfect. I don’t actively think it won’t happen, but I do worry a bit. Do I love him? Or do I love how I felt? It’s hard to say. I feel like it was him. But I’m not sure. Maybe I loved the safety and the intimacy and the connection. He was mine. Not in a possessive way. Much the opposite. I gave myself to him. Whatever he wanted or needed I wanted to give him. I loved him. I wanted to share myself with him, to give myself to him. It broke me when he took that from me and tore me away from him. It felt like part of me went with him. I still feel like part of me is missing.