I am 21 years old. I drink every day, and I smoke pot. I’ve dabbled in hard substances, but I refuse to do them again. That way, I can convince myself that I don’t have a problem. I’m not an addict, I can’t be. Everyone smokes a little pot. Everyone drinks alone at 3:39 am on a weekday. Right?

I am 21 years old. I am in college full time and I work 40 hours a week. I have thousands of dollars saved up because I live with my family for free. I was kicked out at 18, and I made my own way. I moved back home because of Covid. I’m not a loser, I can’t be. If I blame it on Covid, then it is out of my control. And that justifies me drinking alone at 3:41 am on a weekday, right?

I am 21 years old. I have been raped by the people I trusted the most, hurt by the people I saved, and abandoned by the people I chased. My last boyfriend cheated on me 9 times. He’s a narcisstic p************. If I blame it on him, I can have no fault. Right? Even if I pushed him away, even if I made him insecure, even if I accidentally introduced him to the women that he fucked in our bed while I was at work paying our bills. Right? And that certainly must justify me drinking alone at 3:44 am on a weekday, right?

I am 21 years old. I have attempted suicide 4 times. I have scars spanning from my the top of my hips to the start of my knees. I used to stand in the tub and cut myself with old metal out of pencil sharpeners. I would play loud music, and time my stomp to the beat. Stomp, and the blade pops out of the razor. My scars, my damages, my wounds. That all makes me a waste of carbon. And at the very least, that justifies me drinking alone at 3:46 am on a weekday.

I am 21 years old. I am coming to terms with the idea that everything cannot be my fault. No matter how many times I fucked up, it logically cannot all be my fault. Because it is normal to drink and party at my age. I am hardworking, and I deserve to relax. I am cutting back on my substances. I don’t need to trust, or be a savior, and I especially don’t need to chase anyone. I don’t need to pay a man’s bills to be in a happy relationship. I don’t even need to be in a relationship!

I am 21 years old. And for the first time in over two decades, I am beginning to feel like a human being. I am grateful for my unbearable experiences. I won’t allow them to happen again. I am proud of every scar adorning my body. I have zero fear of anything that can be said or done. I have survived the unimaginable. And I will continue to survive. Even if I rely on drinking alone at 3:53 am on a weekday.

If you made it this far, thank you for reading this blip of my life. I was feeling extremely suicidal tonight. Writing my pain and writing a light at the end of the tunnel has helped immensely, regardless of whether or not it is read. But, in the off chance that you are seeing this, I wish only the best for you. Don’t allow yourself to give up. 21 years old, 12 years old, 120 years old, it doesn’t matter. Be the you that you deserve to be. The only person in your life that deserves unconditional love is yourself.