I know I’m not going to do as well on this upcoming test as I did the last one. Maybe I’m self-sabotaging. Maybe it’s because my abusers are insisting on visiting me two weeks from now, and it’s triggered me so much I feel palpitations when I’m sitting there trying to study, or laying in bed scrolling through tiktok, my bowels are all out of whack and I’m feeling the worse I have both physically and mentally in about a year. I feel weak, and insufficient. I wish I could be unbothered. I’m usually so functional — I’m in med school, I own a business, I live an amazing life with my very lovely partner in our beautiful home. But just thinking about them makes me see everything the way they would — a failure, and not enough. I want to be enough. Enough to pass while I’m suffering here, enough to continue and progress. I need to graduate so I can start making money.
Once I become a residential doctor, I’m planning on completely cutting them out of my life. I will move, change my number and my bank permissions, get my own finances in order and completely shed any sense of dependence on them. And I will start saving. A “f*** you” fund. I will pay back every cent they have ever spent on me, make sure they will be comfortable and taken care of the rest of their lives, in case the hell and heaven they scared me with when I was little is any semblance of real. They will just never see me again.