I miss when men and women had places.

Now the boys are like women and the “women” are more manly than any man I ever knew growing up. I mean for my time I was considered extremely strong and to me I had a more or less typical boy upbringing, besides me playing a lot of video games. I drove drunk, I drank before class, I smoked before class, I smoked weed, I smoked cigarettes, I took drugs, I could bang out pushups and jump over 12 foot fences instantly. I feel like I was, besides not being good with girls and playing lots of video games, I was more or less like every other guy my age.

But looking at the women I see now on social media, they are more masculine and manly than me and all of my friends were growing up.

I go on Tinder and swipe and it makes me want to kill myself.

I guess if you’re still young and healthy, you can take advantage of it and make something of yourself and your life. But, I’ve had too many injuries, from doing too many stupid things, and nobody cares.

I grew up constantly trying to prove that I was a man. My Dad used to make fun of me and make me feel like s***, telling me I should be able to do things that I just couldn’t do, and then say that I should be able to do it as a man, but I couldn’t or I didn’t know how or had never done it before etc…. People would make fun of me and call me a p**** and say I was gay and a f**.

I took risks and did stupid s*** to try to “prove myself” and now I am fucked. Knee injury, multiple concussions, I won’t list any more as I start to get too depressed.

And then now all the young people, didn’t grow up like this. They’re all healthy and don’t have any problems. They just workout all day and have infinite health and fitness. They’re not even stressed because they get so worked up over stress that they just live like a pillow life.

I am old and broken now, and nobody gives a s***. My own parents don’t even f****** care.

Like I was raised to grow up in a 1995 world, because things were stable for so long, and then the internet came along and then Sep. 11 came and rest is history. People stayed inside and played games and technology, now “everyone is a gamer” and all this s***. You all grew up with the internet so you had virtually an unlimited supply of entertainment and information to consume, 24/7. You could talk to your friends any time you wanted.

I used to have to call my friend on the landline phone if I wanted to talk to them. And even then, it wasn’t something you could do any time, because your house or their’s may only have one landline and so if you’re on the phone then nobody else can use it, but your parents might want to use the phone so you can’t talk to them until they’re done.

The internet was mostly like random Geocities websites, p***, and official websites like Nintendo.*** and s***. I think Nintendo.*** was the first website I was tried to go to in like 1996 or something. I didn’t even have internet in my house until 1999. I had to go somewhere else if I wanted to use the internet and I rarely even got to use it.

Back then going on the internet was like meeting a celebrity it was like holy s*** I can’t believe I get to use the internet.

It’s like I burnt all of my testosterone and fuel trying to “prove I was a man” and got injured and all of this stupid s***, and as the dust is settling, it turns out there is no point in trying to “prove you’re a man” because nobody is even a man anymore and none of that s*** “matters” any longer.

I sacrificed my body in pursuit of trying to become a man, and instead of being able to retire somewhere to some pasture of worn out broken men, now I am just a problem for someone else to deal with and nobody has sympathy or cares. I am the injured gazelle waiting to be eaten alive. At least in the past, I think even with injury, I would have SOMEWHERE to go, some last bastion some place, where I can try to relax and be with myself for a few moments. But not anymore.

And now all you young people are just parading around with your infinite health and acting like what the hell is wrong with you and it’s like I am injured and they just don’t care. Act like I am making excuses, it’s like you have no idea. They’re just like I don’t see what the big deal is.

And it’s like, you don’t get it. I used to be able to do all of these things so easily. I was lauded and praised for it all of the time, everywhere I f****** went.

You don’t get it, it’s like a wick with a flame and it burns, and once it burns through everything, there isn’t anything left. My knee is so fucked, it went through like 10 stages of getting worse and worse. And it was entirely preventable.

I am scared of these girls like Shingeki no Kyojin. They look like titans to me. They basically are titans as far as I see it. They can do anything they want and completely get away with it, and then some and then some….

If I never had my knee injury I wouldn’t be complaining like I am now. It wasn’t that long ago when I still had hope.

I stood in front of my parents gun safe this weekend, wondering if I should try to open it and shoot myself. I looked at the pull-up bar in my garage, what is left of it, trying to see if I can find something to hang myself with.