6/22- Today my husband threatened me. Not just with how he should have left when he was in TX. The last time he threatened to divorce me. He was mad because i was late with the baby to sleep, again. It bothers him, i get that. And I’m terrible about it because I’m exhausted and have no energy to wake up earlier, thus waking her up earlier. It’s more complicated than that. I wake her earlier my exhausted self has to deal with her being extra clingy, and extra whiny. And we have a homeschooled 8 year old. But he went to lay down at 2245. Our son went at 2330, they’re in the same room. I heard them messing around and giggling at midnight. Most nights he stares at his phone, as he does pretty much every free chance he gets. He spends hours listening to videos and playing some sort of candy crush type game. He gets mad if we’re too noisy, although he plops himself on the couch in the play area. It’s been said being on your phone right before bed will mess with your sleep rhythm. I can attest because he has a terrible time falling asleep, everyday. Back to the threat. I put the baby down. He yelled at me. I just stood there and took it. Did not engage. Because engaging is useless, just gets him more mad. He stormed off. I proceeded downstairs and went to the backyard to clean the baby’s chair. Now why am i doing that in the middle of the night? Well, it’s the only chance i had. Was too noisy for him, he stormed downstairs and started saying cruel things to me. I just stared at him. Again, do not engage, not worth it. He stormed to the bathroom, shut off the hall light there as i stood frozen waiting for his cruel words to end.
“You’re so selfish. Do you even care about anyone else but yourself. G-d i should have left back then in TX.I can’t f****** stand living in this house” I hoped he’d walk away. He didn’t. He approached, and said “now are you going to be quiet? do i need to come down here again? Because if i do, i will beat you senseless, until i knock you out, then you’ll be quiet” he stormed off. I stood frozen.
Finally i was able to move. Picked up some garbage off the floor, went to pick up the couch cushions. He came back downstairs, then apologized to me. “Sorry, i said some really stupid things” “XXXX, I’m so sorry”. I stood frozen, did not engage. All i could think of was how to get away from him, and how long would i have to wait until i could make myself dinner, so I’m not being noisy. the one meal a day I actually get to eat sitting down because i don’t need to get something or make something for someone else. When he left, i brokedown on the bathroom floor. I deserve more than this, i deserve for someone to take care of me the same way i take care of them. I deserve romance, and my feet up occasionally. If I’m sick, i deserve someone who says go rest, not to push through illness and tough it out. He doesn’t even feel a tiny bit bad for me when I’m sick. Aside from work, because i stay at home… I’m the cook, the cleaner, the nurse, the personal shopper, the bookkeeper, the tax preparer, the launderer, the maintenance person, the safety person, the emergency prepaper, the unpacker (we move a lot) and I’m the mom. I’m exhausted. I need a break, but one isn’t coming. I need respect, but it’s not coming. And i need love, for real, awesome,makes your heart melt, romance style love. I don’t know how long i can take this anymore.