I’m nothing. As much as that, I would like at least someone to know that I ever exist. My life has been a joke, and day by day, I cant put away the fact that God will punish me with more suffering. All my life, Ive been bullied, discriminated, belittled, blamed, and just plain always wanted to die. Ever since I was little, Im not normal, I can never bond or make a connection with anyone. Maybe becaus. I was abused miserably by my aunt and uncle when I was five without my parents knowledge, strangely the memory just ressurging when I was 18. Angry, yet I cant fight for justice because of shame, so I hold the secret to myself til now. School days felt like hell, But I endured because thats what I need if someday in my future, I wish to have a decent job. Then Years later, the only one that ever ever love me passed away, my mother, not healed enough, My father decided to remarry that I oppose because of grief. I wanted time. But due to that, I was kicked from my own home, to left everything I had. I lived alone then, but I tried to fight my rights from what my mother left me. just to find out that I was actually adopted, so I deserve nothing. I was depressed,furious, frustrated, I felt like I was living in a lie, I felt like the whole existence of myself is a lie. My dad once loved me, then he dumped me, I always questioned why every single day, it drove me to insanity. but then the answer is so simple. Because I am no one. Because i’m not his family in the first place. Because I have nobody in the first place. I lost my ability to function normally and think, my mind suddenly became dull, Because of that I failed college on the last term, (I cant work on my thesis in the last term and cant possibly continue because of financial issues so I put all the 6 years effort into failure, let go the only hope I held to get decent job, to live a decent life). I live in a developing country where finding a job is hard as hell without a college degree. After Im out of money for renting a place, I live under my aunt’s pity (foster mom’s sister), in a single small room, isolated with no one to talk to, now that everyone knows I’m just that crazy that has no value. I lost all the sense of anger, frustration, sadness, happiness to the point of me thinking my depression is healed. the only feeling that is left is an intense desire to just die. So every single second, I only think about methods and plans on how can I end my life painlessly. I tried cutting my wrist though, and people around me, who saw my wounds, say nothing, do nothing. I know they want me to die as much as I do. Now I live in desolation for years, but why cant I commit suicide yet? A lot of methods and plans, but I always find it hard to commit. I went to high places, I bought poisons and knives and cutter, I collected meds for overdosing. I tried, I f****** tried, but my s*** body wont let me commit. Is it just a way of God punishing me? Because he is not done with me? Because he wants me to suffer more in a more unimaginable way that he keeps postponing my death? Because i haven’t suffered enough? Because I was ungrateful? Because I was just a parasyte? Because Im not normal? Because I never meant to exist that everyone always dumped me? God please, I dont need help, I only need death. You kill a lot of people everyday, the more precious, loved, and good ones, But why cant it be me? How long should I wait for your call? I hate myself so much, so why cant I hurt myself? Why cant you let me die?
