I’m so stupid for telling my mom about the people at my school. I mentioned today that one kid took 10 APs and expressed that I felt guilty for not doing as much. She snapped at me and I don’t know how to feel. Sure, it’s my fault that I didn’t work as hard, but it’s so tiring.

I just hate how she acts in general.
She always pressures me to take economics courses and computer science because she thinks that I’ll be good at it, and when I tell her I don’t want to, she tells me about how ignorant and lazy I am. She always guilts me about how much she’s invested in me and how I give nothing back. For some reason, a single A- isn’t good enough for her even though I have straight As in every other course. I’m never good enough for her, and it’s so frustrating.

I’ve been thinking about killing myself when I graduate high school so that I don’t have to worry about college. I wish my parents would just give up in me so that I don’t disappoint them.
The issue is that I know my mom still loves me and that my family would be heartbroken if I died. I feel so guilty thinking about dying because it would be the most selfish thing possible.

To be honest, I’m probably just making this all up in my head to victimize myself. Maybe I’m just tricking myself into thinking that this is awful. Or maybe this is just the standard for life, and I’m too sensitive. Who knows?

I feel so bad for my mom, too. She cries almost every day and it makes me feel awful. She mutters to herself about how she wants to die which worries me so much. I feel so guilty writing these things about her because she’s clearly going through a lot. I wish I could help but this has been going on for my whole life, and I don’t think I can do anything to make her feel better.
Sometimes, she’s really nice though, which throws me off. It feels like she’s so nice, but whenever something makes her upset, she blows up at everyone.

I just don’t know how to feel about everything.