I still think a lot about a girl who kissed me when we were 18 and haven’t seen or heard of in over 25 years. I’m happily married with kids but I can’t quite forgive her or myself for getting close. She visited our mutual friend over a couple of days and we only kissed but then she pushed away. It was doomed because I knew she had a boyfriend and also I probably wouldn’t see her again for a long time when she went back. I think she felt guilty and tried to make it right but I wasn’t ready. I saw her once more two years later and it still hurt. She was being friendly but I couldn’t get over the pain then and it still hurts now. I really liked her and she obviously liked me. Even two years later, I think she was still with the same bf, I could tell she sort of liked me and was sensitive enough to see I was uncomfortable around her. She didn’t apologise and I didn’t expect that but I wanted to forgive her, I think.
She was the only one before my wife who I felt connected like that with. I lost touch with our mutual friend a long time ago and can’t find either online. I have really tried. Recently I was grieving for my cat and my mind landed in this old time probably as something unresolved to chew on instead of dealing with the loss. It was a different kind of loss.
Now I’m trying to soothe the pain by comparing her to another girl from a few years later who obviously liked me a lot and I liked too but could not get involved with because I was with my wife then. This girl was quite different and had no strings so it was like the opposite situation. It developed over weeks and months and I could have fallen into her arms very easily. I didn’t because I loved my future wife of course, but I also knew that the pain of her knowing that I felt it too would be worse if I pulled back afterwards. I still think about her too, but with no pain. I suppose I regret not having a chance to know her and love her completely. Also I can see her online and she seems happy. When I compare them I find the second girl more attractive and I had a deeper relationship with her so it is an easy win over the older flame. That helps because they are both only in my imagination now. My wife can’t compete with fantasy – it’s real and sometimes hard but not exciting like young love. So now I’m putting these two young loves against each other in my mind. Rachel is my shield against Gill now. I counter the pain of that little wrong that grew in my head into a tragedy with a little right that went off to find joy. Maybe they both still think of me but I have nothing to offer them but forgiveness and my own apologies.