I’m a middle-aged, single man usually unable to have s** because I can’t keep it hard when I’m with someone. Causes include p*** addiction (not s**, fetish stuff, nothing crazy but not normal) and performance anxiety. I have no mechanical issues, it’s all in my head. But I’ve had this forever and I don’t see a way through. I’ve tried and tried but I have no real support network and therapy just hasn’t helped. I’ve even avoided p*** for long stretches but it doesn’t help “reset” me or whatever. I’m also addicted to weed and smoke anywhere from 2-5 bowls every night.

I’m so lonely. I just moved and don’t know anyone here. I can’t make new friends or don’t really know how. I have no motivation to make efforts like joining meetups or whatever. I don’t have any real hobbies.

Despite all this, I’m a very successful professional and respected in my field and by my co-workers. They probably think I’m weird because I’m single in my 40s and seem to have lots going for me. Women are attracted to me and I know a lot of guys would kill to have women ask if they want to f***. When a woman says that to me, all it does is make me max anxious.

I’d like to die—not kill myself, just expire—but it would devastate my mom so I do everything I can to live. But once she goes, I will likely seriously consider suicide. But I know I’ll also back out because it scares the s*** out of me. Despite all this, I always tell myself I can fix it because I’ve always been able to “win” through effort and luck. But once my one and only real motivation for continuing—not destroying my mother—is gone, I’ll really have nothing. All of my friendships are distant both physically and mentally. My entire life feels attenuated. My only other reason for living is to see the end of One Piece. I’m not kidding.

I’ll keep trying and failing, doing it wrong and having no real guidance or support other than the occasional text conversation with a close-yet-distant friend. The funny/tragic thing is that I always knew this is how I would turn out and I constantly beat myself up for not trying hard enough.