As the oldest sibling in a toxic household it’s really suffocating. I was told to only listen and obey, I have no rights to state my opinion nor to express my emotions like crying and being angry. I always felt anxious when eating because I feel like they’re counting the foods that I eat which is something I have to ‘pay’ for in the future. In their eyes I’m always incompetent, useless and worthless. I was told that they’re more happy when I wasn’t there. I was told to endure and made a lot of sacrifices for my sibling, for our family. I remembered laughing at my Values teacher for saying ” home is where u feel comfortable the most’ wrong. For me it’s nothing but a cage, a prison. When my dad cheated on my mom, I was asleep and my mom woke me up and said ” call your dad. Tell him can he really abandon you and your siblings? ‘BEG’ him to fix his mess, to fix our family.” This continued for a week and she said to me ” My daughter, can yoy afford your siblings not having a father? You can be okay with no father but your siblings can’t” and after some days she told me ” If your father leave us, you’ll be the one we’ll rely on” at that time I was 16 with anxiety and depression, went into a multiple suicide and parasuicide attempts, the reasons? Bullying, being alienated and academic pressure from school, guilt partying myself, and problems from home. At that time, I wanted to ask my mom ” how about me? Who’s gonna be there for me when I can’t fight anymore? When all of u ever did was invalidate my feelings because ” I’m old and tough enough” I’m neither tough nor strong, I also need someone to be there with me during my battles, I was always alone, crying and hurting alone. Yet no one of u cares. And now if you asked me if I hated yoy guys, the answer is yes even if ur the one who born and raised me that doesn’t mean that I have to live for all of you. We are a family yes, but even if I die would never forget nor forgive you all for all the times that y’all made me feel that it’s better to k1ll myself.I might sound so child-like and immature, but excuse me for not experiencing a good childhood and for having lack of love, attention and acceptance. At some parts, I wanted to thank you guys because now I realized that having no children is better than having one and not knowing the responsibility they have to take after.
