At the boat party, all parents and supposedly good adults, a couple started having s** next me. The man looked right at me, in my bathing suit. I was uncomfortable. I asked to leave. I was in middle of the lake, no escape. They wouldn’t let me leave. They wouldn’t stop. It went on for what felt like forever, despite my actual crying and begging to leave. Something clicked. I remembered my father molesting me, I remembered being forced into situations. I didn’t want to be there. They wouldn’t drop me off at the shore. I jumped into the lake. Swam under the boat. Tried to drown. I was under for a long time, only hanging on by my fiance who had barely grabbed my wrist. My fiance’s family member dove in and pulled me up. They still wouldn’t take me to shore. They still kept on. Partied even harder. I was trapped. The worst part, was my fiance, a relationship 12 years strong, told me I was wrong. Told me that this is what happens at parties. He didn’t agree with it, but it was life. And me, almost 30, should know that and be able to deal with it. Because I had seen s** before, I should be able to handle this. He told me I was wrong. Over and over, I was wrong. If this is the normal world, I just want to die. All the time now, I think about it. If I bring it up, and he tells me I am wrong. Sometimes they bring it up, without me. I overreacted, I get it. I should not have attempted suicide, but it really didn’t effect them. They all continued, so why complain about me, it didn’t stop their party? It was normal. Right? It was just a party. I don’t want to live in a world like this. If s** is so normal for other people, if sin and prostitutes and orgies and drugs are the absolute norm… why does it affect me so much? I was baptized just the month before, they all knew this. I was trying to be a good person. It made me want to die, thinking about it still does. But the worst part is the dismissal. The only family member I have, the only friend I have, dismissed me. Dismisses me. It was nothing. I was too buzzed. I would have acted differently had I eaten. It was my fault. Even though, months later, it still bothers me. Sickens me. The longer I live, the blacker my soul becomes. The more I feel I belong to burn in hell. To be a part of this fucked up world. A part of it. I was there. I was involved. He was looking at me, f****** that girl. I wish I dove faster, fought harder, drowned. I can’t get over this. I tried. I can’t get over this, and its going to kill me.