I have embarrassed myself so much and thinking about it makes me want to puncture both of my lungs so that i slowly suffocate and wheeze and them pass out. AHFHEHGHAIO
So what happened was like, last night, i stayed up finishing an assignment and watching the most recent episode of Euphoria. I managed to fall asleep at 3, and wake up a 5:30. I thought this would be fine, since I woke up at 1 P.M. that same day, so it would cancel out like PEMDAS.
newsflash, it did not.
what tends to happen when i don’t sleep is i get really really really anxious and kinda depressed (i’m not diagnosed, nor have i been to a therapist, so i can’t really make a concrete statement abt it)
so, normally, i would be able to hide this, except i have a gym class. the only other time where i’ve felt super depressed was in my spanish class last semester, and i was able to not make it really apparent since it was also a realllly easy class. gym, however, is literally the worst class i’ve been to.
with gym, i get really anxious regardless of how much sleep i get, so imagine me when I don’t get sleep, making me really sad and anxious, and i have to go to a class where i’m always anxious in.
spoiler: it gets realllly bad
throughout the class, i was simply walking around (i was analyzing what was happening, but i wasn’t really participating, simply floating around while i was playing, if that makes sense).
because of this, i managed to literally talk so bad about myself that I was probably oozing 10 oz of sadness and anxiousness per second. it was so obvious that i was just so sad and anxious.
when i do get anxious, i tend to talk to myself, so i’m trying not to imagine that someone heard me saying “oh my god that was so dumb why did you do that yo me voy a matar” (i like learning languages, so i will kill for an opportunity to utilize it)
at the end, i was completely destroyed by my own self esteem, and it was quite clear that i was not doing well.
CONTEXT:
near the end of the class, teams merged and there were sideline people. i went on the sidelines first opportunity i had, but i had to get on once a team won. so this time, i did catch the ball a few times, but i also made a lot of mistakes, which i think was partly due to my debilitating self esteem that was