5 years
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I feel like I don’t have anyone to talk to.. I have a lot of friends and I have a boyfriend but I feel so alone.. I was feeling great for a while but I’m starting to slip back into my old ways. What a f****** b****. I hate myself. I care more about making other people feel good rather than making myself feel good, yet I still feel like I’m too self-absorbed. Am I boring? I get into my head a lot and I s*** at making conversation. My closest friend who I can tell most things too lives all the way out in the middle of b*** f*** know where and I can’t seem to make any connections like that here. Samantha is the closest friend I have and yet I don’t want to ever burden her with all my issues 24/7 I hardly do that with Jordyn either and we’re closer. Not unless they ask me or the subject related at least. I feel like I talk about myself way too much and maybe people get bored of me.. or that’s what I’m scared of. I wish I was one of those people who can naturally start up conversations and talk to people like a normal human being but I feel like I constantly have to analyze everyone and then I start to over analyze and think that everyone hates me and only hangs out with me because they pitty me or some s***. I know all of this is not true but I can’t help but feel it. I’m so tired all the time, I’m so sad all the time. I don’t know why I had to be born when I didn’t ask for this s***. But who knows, maybe I did ask for it in some magical spiritual land that may or may not exist. Ughhhh. F*** meeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! Tonight was the worst night yet. Jordyn is basically begging me to break up with Garrett and I almost did but I love him. He has so many red flags but I can’t help it. I want so badly not to like him but I do. F*** me. Again. Ugh! I almost broke up with him but he’s so good at talking. First I was telling him how uncomfortable he made me feel the other night and how I needed some space, which led to him crying and begging me not to leave, which then somehow turned around to him basically calling me a w**** and b****, which then made me cry, which is when he started crying again and apologizing saying he didn’t mean any of it. The next thing I know, I’m agreeing to hang out with him on Sunday…. Like what the f***? Am I dumb?? I can’t help it dude.. I hate seeing him hurt like that and he did say mean s*** and he did make me feel uncomfortable the other night with that whole thing but I genuinely think he cares about me. And I care about him. It sounds f****** stupid, I know. And I know all my friends point out the red flags but I can’t do it. I can’t break him like that. I care about him so much. I’m terrible at expressing it sometimes but it’s true. But on top of all of that, I’m f****** dead dude. I f****** hate it here. Earth f****** s****, I just want to be a tree. A single tree in the middle of an open field with tall grass and a nice spring breeze blowing through my pretty leaves. I’ll be alone but I won’t feel so alone. Because I won’t feel anything. I will just simply exist.

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S** coach/leader of the group of neighborhood married men i kneel for came by yest evenin. Vert angry nut not violently so. He said that the way my ex wife had acted was exactly why he and the other men seek my mouth and do not waste their time cheating with women. He said that no men would visit until he straightened me out and i straightened ex wife out. He told me my ex wife was a taboo topic for the current. That the only way men would return was to do what he expected of me and that the other men agreed to let him handle it as long as they were assurred he had. He insistednwe go to the shed, where i was required to strip and bend over a sawhorse. He closed the shed door as i obeyed making it dark. He set my own phone up with light to spotlight my bate upturned a**, and then took off and laid his belt over the sawhorse next to me. I jumpes out of my skin when he roughly shoved my feet apart then pulled my g******* back behind me and used duct tape around them to hold them protruding. Then i was ordered to put my feel together and he bound my knees tightly trapping my g******* back between my thighs. Bound my wrists in the small of my back. I was terrified but he did not care. Bi was thrashed by his helt on cheeks backs of thighs and g*******. Not without mercy but definitely brutally. I was in tears in momentts and begging for mercy but he just reached around and duct taped over my mouth. I know it was less than 30 minutes but seemed endless. Every time my trapped g******* took a direct hit i was dry heavimg from the gut ache. As he struck he was saying the most vile things….was mot going to risk his life or marriage fir a fsggot cocksucker or my stupid w**** wife. I tried to squirm away but he held me by my hair and kept wailing away with the belt and cursing me and her even though she 2as not there. On and on. I dont know how long i was sobbing and gasping, he finally stopped and as soon as he yanked the tape off my legs i collapsed on the concrete shed floor. He didnt say a word he just unzipped his pants and emptied his bladder on me as i lay there. He pulled me up by my hair to my knees and if a man can be described as m*********** with anger, that is what he did, and sorrayed my face with his seed. Then let go of my hair and let me collapse back on the floor. He picked up my phone ended the video recording and sent it to his own phone. To orove to the other husbands he had handled me. Told me that he expected me to have handled my ex wife by the end of the week and to provide video proofand that the other husbands would see it. He swore to me that as soon as i proved i had handled her that things with the neighborhood husbands would resume. He said that dor now i would be the only d*** my idiot ez wife would be getting that he had definite purely lustful interest in her but he did not feel that he wouls be comfortable with having my ex wife relieve his son of his female virginity and it was not ideal but for now my mouth would have to be his son’s outlet as long as i did what was ezpected with her. I am not afraid to do what is expected but i do not have a solid means of presenting it to her and her agreeing. The only motivator i have is i know how badly my ex wife wants the man who took a belt to me to f*** her again. He wrecked her when he fucked her and she wants more of that. Otherwise it would be s***** to show her my bruised cheeks ans thighs, and my seriously swollen and black and blue testicles. Idk maybe if i let her see the video of what i took for us she would step up for her part in this. Now i am simply aching and feeling guilty because i am in part to blame letting my s** with ex wife and the blow jobs i give these men overlap.