I despise my mom, it hurts me to even type out the word 'mom'. She gaslights me non-stop. I think she has been fucked up her whole life, and has been - Simply Confess

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I despise my mom, it hurts me to even type out the word ‘mom’. She gaslights me non-stop. I think she has been fucked up her whole life, and has been wielding her trauma as a weapon, controlling people, confusing them, non-stop. Every single thing that comes out of her mouth, is a lie. Maybe a “white” lie but always, a lie. She is a racist, and she constantly tries to cover it up. I remember being little and calling her out on this, I was maybe 9 years old, the year was 1997. 100% shut me down, and then some, made me think I was insane for thinking that people shouldn’t be prejudging innocent people based on their apparent ethnicity or skin color. My sister has supported my Moms racism my entire life.

My sister is only a half-sister. She has been nothing but issues my entire life, but they both insist how they love and care so much about me, all the while tormenting me mentally, confusing me, emotionally, telling me that things are true that just aren’t, and for some reason, maybe because my childhood trauma, I just listen to them for some reason. Even though they have hurt me so many times.

I find myself slipping into these behaviors and it’s like hours and days later when I realize, my Mom just said some crazy s*** and I’ve been spending the last like 3 days trying to justify it. Meanwhile, I step like one foot out the front door, and it’s completely calm. Everybody is interacting in a normal fashion. It’s such a mind f***, being around this crazy person all day long, and then going outside and it’s completely calm. Meanwhile, inside, I am made to think I am a complete waste, I am not even worthy enough as a living breathing sentient being, f*** she probably doesn’t even consider me a sentient being. To her, I am not even worth a bowl of cereal or a slice of bread. I have been starving, to please her.

She tells me she isn’t trying to hurt me. Another mind f***. I never said she was “trying” to hurt me. I am simply trying to get her to understand, the situation I am in.

I basically get like 3 hours of sleep per night. My back hurts. I feel sick almost all the time. Physically, I am so weak, you won’t believe me but I would say like 40%, I am basically like a 75 year old in my physical ability. I am basically like a fit 75 year old, but I am 34. I used to ride my bike 35+ miles regularly, sometimes 60 miles at a time. I know it isn’t a lot compared to Athletes, I know that people go out and ride like 125 miles at a time or more.

If I tried to ride my bike now, I wouldn’t be able to do more than 10 miles. And I would pay the price like f*** for that. My body has a HELL of a time recovering.

Part of the issue, is I am SO F****** STRESSED OUT ALL THE TIME, living in this house with my parents. My Mom is a racist.

The truth is, at least in her own lexicon, I don’t doubt that what she is saying is “true” that “she isn’t “trying” to hurt me…”

But my god she is just ignoring the f*** out of me.

I try so hard to sleep at night. I m********* to try to fall asleep.

You know the f****** kicker in all of this? Tonight, and like other nights. I masturbated, and I fell asleep for like 10 minutes and woke up again feeling sick. Then guess what, I masturbated again, same thing, fall asleep 10 minutes, wake up feeling sick. I did this cycle 3 times. I have slept maybe like 30 minutes at best, probably less, since 10 PM last night, when I WOKE UP, and it is now around 7:30AM.

AND THE CYCLE CONTINUES, DAY, AFTER DAY, AFTER DAY, AFTER DAY, AND I STRUGGLE SO HARD. SO HARD. 3 HOURS OF SLEEP A NIGHT IS MAYBE DOABLE, FOR 3 DAYS, NOT MORE THAN LIKE 5 TIMES A YEAR, BUT DAILY, IT TAKES A TOLL AND THEN SOME, AND THEN SOME, AND THEN SOME, AND THEN SOME, MEANWHILE MY RACIST MOM JUST KEEPS BEATING ME, OVER, AND OVER, AND OVER… she never listens, and she never has.

I wish I wasn’t a human being. I wish I didn’t have this non-stop like “love” for my Mom. I just wish it would go away, I can’t stand to be around her, but it is like because my body is made from her body, she has this backdoor and she can just keep f****** with my head I don’t know what it is. It’s like she has been f****** with me since before I was even born.

She was probably gaslighting me telling me I don’t have to kick when I was in her stomach. I’ve been getting gaslit since before I even came out to the womb.

She keeps thinking that I like to do girl things and she HAS NEVER GOTTEN THE SIGNAL. MY ENTIRE LIFE SHE HAS BEEN TREATING ME LIKE I AM JUST LIKE HER. I HAVE TESTICLES AND TESTOSTERONE. She told me I have to wipe the end of my p**** head when I and done going pee because I just have to do it. NO I DONT. THAT IS SOMETHING GIRLS HAVE TO DO, FROM WHAT I UNDERSTAND, I HAVE HEARD GIRLS SAY THIS BEFORE. BUT THE REASON IS BECAUSE THEIR A****** IS NEXT TO THEIR P****. MY P**** HOLE IS ONLY NEXT TO MY A****** IF I FORCIBLE PUT MY P**** HOLE ONTO MY A******. PLEASE STOP MAKING ME HEAD GO INTO THE TOILET WATER SO YOU CAN FLUSH IT AND HAVE A GOOD TIME YOU ASSWIPE.

I WILL STOP TYPING, NOT FOR MY SAFETY, BUT FOR YOURS, SO YOU DONT HAVE TO KEEP READING THIS S*** I HAVE TO DEAL WITH.

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