5 years
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I want to kill myself so bad. I’m such a f****** failure. Everything I’ve tried in my life has ended in disaster. It would probably be funny if it wasn’t so sad. I’ve thought about a lot of different ways to kill myself. It seems like the best options are jumping from a bridge or overdosing on heroin. I fantasize a lot about flying across the country to the Golden Gate Bridge and jumping off. I don’t know anyone in that city and I’m very poor so spending money on a plane ticket would be a death sentence anyway. There’s something seriously wrong with me. I don’t think I’m a human. I think I’m some sort of monster who wears the flesh of a human. I feel like people look at me and they can tell that I’m not a real person. I’ve been on multiple depression medications for almost ten years now and nothing really helps. I’ve smoked weed every day for the past five years and it did help for a while but now my tolerance is so high theres no point to smoking anymore. I’m almost 30 and I’ve wasted my entire life. People who I went to high school with have careers and cars and live in cool places and are thinking of starting families. I have none of that. I went to college but work at a fast food restaurant because my depression is so bad I can’t keep an actual job. I’m a huge failure. I’ve been really thinking about the practicalities of suicide lately too. That’s why I want to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge, so I’ll be impossible to identify so my parents won’t have to see my body. They can just burn me up in a f****** oven and be done with me. I know a lot of people are scared of dying but I think about it constantly. I sleep a lot because of my mental health problems and I think dying is just like being asleep forever, what a f****** dream! I tried to look for a new job last night but I’m so useless I don’t think I’ll ever be able to work somewhere else. All I want is a car and to live somewhere where I could have a family and a dog. I really feel like I don’t want that much and I see so many people with what I want, but it feels impossible. I’m a loser baby, why don’t you kill me. Please kill me. I want to die. I don’t want to be alive someone come run me over with a truck and end my life. I have 5,000 in savings and I’ll give it to you I just want to be f****** dead. There are like four people who would be sad if I died it’s fine if I die. I’m in so much f****** pain all the time it’s like my heart is constantly weighed down by how s***** I am. I’m a such a loser. There’s nothing good about me and everyone can see it so I should just die.

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S** coach/leader of the group of neighborhood married men i kneel for came by yest evenin. Vert angry nut not violently so. He said that the way my ex wife had acted was exactly why he and the other men seek my mouth and do not waste their time cheating with women. He said that no men would visit until he straightened me out and i straightened ex wife out. He told me my ex wife was a taboo topic for the current. That the only way men would return was to do what he expected of me and that the other men agreed to let him handle it as long as they were assurred he had. He insistednwe go to the shed, where i was required to strip and bend over a sawhorse. He closed the shed door as i obeyed making it dark. He set my own phone up with light to spotlight my bate upturned a**, and then took off and laid his belt over the sawhorse next to me. I jumpes out of my skin when he roughly shoved my feet apart then pulled my g******* back behind me and used duct tape around them to hold them protruding. Then i was ordered to put my feel together and he bound my knees tightly trapping my g******* back between my thighs. Bound my wrists in the small of my back. I was terrified but he did not care. Bi was thrashed by his helt on cheeks backs of thighs and g*******. Not without mercy but definitely brutally. I was in tears in momentts and begging for mercy but he just reached around and duct taped over my mouth. I know it was less than 30 minutes but seemed endless. Every time my trapped g******* took a direct hit i was dry heavimg from the gut ache. As he struck he was saying the most vile things….was mot going to risk his life or marriage fir a fsggot cocksucker or my stupid w**** wife. I tried to squirm away but he held me by my hair and kept wailing away with the belt and cursing me and her even though she 2as not there. On and on. I dont know how long i was sobbing and gasping, he finally stopped and as soon as he yanked the tape off my legs i collapsed on the concrete shed floor. He didnt say a word he just unzipped his pants and emptied his bladder on me as i lay there. He pulled me up by my hair to my knees and if a man can be described as m*********** with anger, that is what he did, and sorrayed my face with his seed. Then let go of my hair and let me collapse back on the floor. He picked up my phone ended the video recording and sent it to his own phone. To orove to the other husbands he had handled me. Told me that he expected me to have handled my ex wife by the end of the week and to provide video proofand that the other husbands would see it. He swore to me that as soon as i proved i had handled her that things with the neighborhood husbands would resume. He said that dor now i would be the only d*** my idiot ez wife would be getting that he had definite purely lustful interest in her but he did not feel that he wouls be comfortable with having my ex wife relieve his son of his female virginity and it was not ideal but for now my mouth would have to be his son’s outlet as long as i did what was ezpected with her. I am not afraid to do what is expected but i do not have a solid means of presenting it to her and her agreeing. The only motivator i have is i know how badly my ex wife wants the man who took a belt to me to f*** her again. He wrecked her when he fucked her and she wants more of that. Otherwise it would be s***** to show her my bruised cheeks ans thighs, and my seriously swollen and black and blue testicles. Idk maybe if i let her see the video of what i took for us she would step up for her part in this. Now i am simply aching and feeling guilty because i am in part to blame letting my s** with ex wife and the blow jobs i give these men overlap.