23yrs female from Sydney NSW

(LONG POST PLS READ U WONT REGRET)
-this a very spicy story lol

I met a guy when I was literally like 13 and things were great at first but just after I finished high school, we unexpectedly had a BABY together.. and so that lead to having 2 more kids over the years with him. (However during this time)

I noticed that he had many insecurities but I usually brushed it off..he started to slowly show a more controlling side to him.. so over-time but it’s always been super hard for me to comprehend because I didn’t grow up in the most supportive family.

7yrs into the relationship-
I can say now that this guy has kicked, hit, thrown me into things, thrown me onto the floor and he has put his entire weight on me on a couple of occassions that completely freaked me out..

he has called me many names and just put me down in general..and even through all of this. He is still a great father, he supports his babies..

however, I feel that oneday as bad as it sounds, he will accidentally kill me and or that I will kill myself.. & obviously I don’t want that to happen but I can’t stress enough how good he was and is at manipulating me into thinking he is a good person and that the person in the wrong was me and is usually me. He says I am self destructive for eg (which I am now) from trauma or when I’m yelled now at I feel like the only safe thing to do is to slap myself..because I don’t want to break anything or harm anyone else because of how depressed I’ve been feeling lately. He has also cheated in the past so now after everything I’m scared to leave because of my kids and also my well-being, it’s weird though because I still care for him as fucked up as it sounds..

I’ve just gotten so used to being treated this way and it s**** because everyone thinks of us like, we’re perfect but behind closed doors it’s different.

So now that you all know my fears, i don’t want to risk leaving or f****** up anything to ruin it for me or my kids..

I need to admit.. I started to cheat for a few years on and off and I’ve seen 3/4 guys during that period and slept with them at-least twice..

I feel guilty of course..but at the same time I kinda wanted those guys to be like my Prince Charming..like in the movies as stupid as it sounds. sometiI just wish a man would save me and I thought I finally found someone as deceitful as it sounds