This has been a long time coming. It was inevitable. My days are numbered; it is my choice. I will be dead in a few weeks by my own hand. It is my choice and my wish.

I worked hard. I went to good schools and got !y MBA. I was an officer in the navy. And I am gay.

I made the mistake of trusting the wrong people. I was stupid to.fall in love with a person from Argentina. I proposed. He accepted. Then he told me he was HIV positive. I was conflicted. I am not infected. I was ready to let it go and move on. But he cried and said he would die if he didn’t get treatment. And I thought I loved him.

So I married him. And brought him up to my country and into my home. But everything changed after he got residency. He was cruel and called me selfish for wanting him to contribute to the house. He said I brought him to this country and I owed him. So I drank and made poor decisions.

Unknown to me he was tainting my friendships telling them lies. Perhaps I made it easy for them because I didn’t want to see anyone. I was embarrassed I had made such an error in judgement and by the time I started to seek our help it was too late. He had painted me as the evil one.

He told me he wanted to be a wo!an. All of a sudden a 44 year old man wanted to be a woman. I wanted a divorce. He told me he would take everything from me. When he told me he was sleeping with other men I was angry. He started videotaping me. I threw him out of the house and called the police. I was arrested. I told them he came at me while I slept with a knife while I slept. No one cared. I was naive. I didn’t videotape the abuse I suffered but he videotaped what would support him.

I went to jail. I got out on the custody of my brother; the same one who molested me as a child. I cooked and cleaned and when I had some wine he told me to leave and threatened my life. Then he told the police I left and he lied. I went to jail again. I was there for months until trial. I had a poor excuse for a lawyer. I finally pleaded guilty to assault for throwing him out in order to get my freedom.

In the meantime the home I purchased before I was married he occupied and lied because I was unable to represent myself. I had no access to my papers or my property.

I essentially have lost everything I ever worked for because I was naive to another person’s manipulations.

I have been suicidal. I have reached out to people I thought are dear friends. Their response was that I need time to heal. And then utter silence.

When I told MT parents of my brother jokes ring me. My father ignored it. My mother deflected blame although I wasn’t blaming her. And again. Silence.

I have always been a doer. I worked to escape poverty to go to university and get a good job. I tried. But I have learned that if you are a middle aged white man there are misconceptions. No one sees my struggles. No one cares. I have white price page after all. Right?

Anyway. I have written a will. I hope mph husband gets nothing. After over a year of not having contact with him I have clarity of who and what he is.

People may grieve. But frankly they will go on with their lives. And I will descend into silence. Like now.

This is not a cry for help. Don’t get me wrong. I have cried out already. And frankly this is not a world in which I wish to reside. I just wanted to say I’m not crazy. I have thought about it Kong and hard. My husband told me repeatedly to kill myself. Perhaps this too will make him happy. But in the end I will no longer feel anything. I would rather die a meaningful death than live a meaningless life.

Love from the great white North