I’ve posted before because I’m struggling and I don’t know who to talk to. It’s getting closer to my boyfriends sisters due date. I would also be due at the same time if I hadn’t had an abortion. Nobody knows but my bf and 2 of my best friends who are no doubt tired of listening to me stress. I couldn’t be a mom, I know this. It was still traumatizing and the fact that she announced her pregnancy while I was in the middle of terminating mine just sealed how much I want nothing to do with her baby. I never want to be called auntie. I don’t want to hold it. I don’t give a f*** what its name is. I don’t want it born anywhere near my birthday. If I have to hear about how it’s an October baby just like me and we could share the same birthday one more time I think I might actually have a mental breakdown.
I’m going to ask my boyfriend not to tell me when the baby is born if I’m at work. Going to the baby shower was f****** torture. I’m lashing out at people and screwing up at work… and I can’t even tell anyone why I’m upset. He has every right to be excited about his future nephew or niece and I don’t want to take that away from him. I just feel like puking whenever I think about it and I don’t know how to make the hurt go away.
When she does give birth I’ll probably just disappear for a bit. Turn my phone off. Go park somewhere and cry until I throw up.
