I feel that the idea of how life was meant to be viewed as a journey just really doesn’t feel like that for me anymore. Suicide ideation has just been constantly playing through my head, repeatedly. I found out through my therapist that the root of my trust issues and self-loathing comes from the lack of parental involvement and sibling abuse I’ve experienced in childhood. There’s been a lot that’s been happening in my life that has made me feel this low, but just now, a guy friend of mine has been texting me about how my mistakes have messed him up. The mistake in question, which I’ve apologized and acknowledged my wrongdoing before was that one night I pulled an all nighter with him because he was telling me that his girlfriend wanted to f*** someone else. Generally, it sounded like this girl was extremely insensitive and unaware of her surroundings. Obviously, the way that he described the situation made me livid. I told him that he should be guarded about her. Based on what he said, I thought he implied to her that things would be ending. This happened to be the night before the plans I previously made with his girlfriend to just chat and hang out. It was also an opportunity to hear her side of what happened. Turns out that he put words into her mouth and lied about the situation. This made me even more livid. As a girl who has been placed in situations with manipulative people, particularly in romantic relationships, this made me even more angry. This time towards the guy friend. The largest mistake I made was that I let it slip that he wanted to break up with her. I thought that he made it clear that he didn’t want anything to do with her. It’s reasoning behind what I did, but not an excuse. I apologized about what I did more than once. I own up to my mistakes. The issue here is that he’s ardent about the idea that he never said that she wanted to f*** someone else. He said that he probably said something like this accompanying his acknowledgement of how he probably is saying that out of insecurity. He’s saying that I’m misremembering, but I’m firm on what I remember. He’s been repeatedly bringing this up to me even though I’ve expressed how remorseful I am. I really don’t know what else I can do or say, especially since him and his girlfriend are on wonderful terms. They are together and planning a future with each other. Even though I know I did something wrong, he’s also been extremely manipulative and has constantly gaslit me about situations. The only reason why I’m still friends with him is because I feel guilty and am worried that he’ll twist the things I say to make me seem problematic. I feel really stuck, which is why suicide ideation has been crossing through my mind, again. I don’t know what to do. I have no real support network to turn to, and I constantly feel like people will further abhor me if I don’t just comply and give in to what this guy is saying. I’ve been trying to keep in my internal conflict away from friends just because people deserve to live their lives carefree. It’s a horrible and selfish thought, but I would think that if I killed myself, people who’ve repeatedly fucked me over will finally learn from their mistakes. I hope it didn’t seem like I’ve dramaticizing anything that I described. These are just my thoughts, and my perception of myself technically doesn’t exist.