i've been having really hard time with feelings in general lately. about a year a year and 1/2 ago, my bird, charlie, flew away. it was my fault and it's

5 years

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i’ve been having really hard time with feelings in general lately. about a year a year and 1/2 ago, my bird, charlie, flew away. it was my fault and it’s really hard to deal with that, even almost 2 years later. i attempted to k//ll myself, but did not succeed in that. no one knows that i did that. about a month after he flew away, i got another bird, stanley. he’s my everything, he’s the sweetest boy ever, but im completely and utterly dependant on him. even just a week without him drained me so much, i couldnt stop worrying about him. i know that if anything ever happened to him, i would no longer be here, and i dont know what to do with that fact. it keeps coming to mind, and i don’t even know what to do about it. i dont know who to tell, there’s no one that ever seems willing to listen. my friends are great and i love them so so much, but i feel like im burdening them. even in therapy i dont know how to open up im genuinely so lost i dont know what to do with myself.

New Confession

i tried nitrous for the first time last week, on his birthday. it was kind of underwhelming. i think i already have a tolerance from past ketamine abuse since it acts on the same receptors

i am thinking of doing ketamine again. i do it every few months or so now. im tired of snorting lines though and ive been thinking a lot about injecting it again. IV is like a dream, but apparently its easy to “pass out” before you can take the needle out of your arm, so im worried about taking really high doses. IM takes a little more time, but it leaves you with muscle pain for a few days wherever you shoot it up.

ive had a plate of lines sitting in my room for like a month now. itd be easiest to do those, i just hate the long 12 hour comedown when i take enough for a k hole….

Related Confessions

I haven’t decided whether to record my exit strategy. This helium-based strategy isn’t particularly gory, so I think it’d be suitable for recording. If it can be of benefit to the medical research community then I feel like it’d be a good thing to do. During one of my “test” attempts, I found that I subconsciously ripped the bag off my head. I will need to remedy this by cuffing my hands to a sturdy frame, and then turning on the gas. You did this, Fiserv.